Officer Goodbody
by Kambria Rain
Summary: Fresh out of rehab, Nessie decides to reconnect with her big sister Bella. Staying out of trouble isn’t so easy, especially with a cop living next door. Companion piece to Bella Swan: Kidnapper. The missing moments of Jake and Nessie.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I made up some kids in my head, but Stephenie came up with everybody else. **

**I suggest reading Bella Swan: Kidnapper first. **

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* * *

NPOV**

"Shit." I snatched the envelope out of the waste basket. "Just open it." I turned it over and stuck my finger just under the edge of the flap. "Shit." I huffed and threw it back in the trash. This was ridiculous. I left the room. Two minutes later, I was back, taking the damn thing out of the trash for the umpteenth time that day. "Come on, Ness," I coached myself. "Just open the damn envelope."

This was all Sue's fault. She was all "you can be whatever you want to be" and all that shit. Who the hell would let a girl fresh out of rehab into their school? Surely not these people. I threw the envelope back in the trash.

I needed a drink. Of course, I couldn't have a drink. I still had that tendency to get addicted to things, so basically, if too much of it could kill you, I shied away from it. I was not going back to rehab.

I guess it wasn't all bad though. I did meet Sue Clearwater. She was my counselor at the say no to crack shack. She annoyed the hell out of me, but it was just what I needed. Since Renee and Phil were always on the road, Sue showed up every now and then to kick my ass and make sure I was staying clean. She was the one who shoved the applications down my throat until I finally gave in and filled them out. I had no intention of actually sending them in. That must have been Sue's doing as well.

Well, she could open the damn thing. I wasn't going to be rejected.

I dropped down on the couch and grabbed the remote. I flipped through the channels trying to find something other than reality shows. How many of those stupid shows could they make? Maybe I should send in an application for that. They always get the most screwed up people they could find. Surely, I qualified.

"Crap," I whispered. I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my rejection letter out the trash and ripped it open before I could stop myself again.

_Dear Ms. Dwyer,_

"We are insulted that you would even send us your application," I grumbled. Then I sucked it up and continued reading the actual letter instead of making up my own.

_Congratulations._

What in the world?

_It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to the graduating class of 2011._

I dropped the paper. Shit. I was going back to college. The first time hadn't been a huge success. Now this crazy ass dean of admissions was letting me try again.

Picking up the letter, I took a few deep breaths and continued reading. This was my chance to get my act together and actually make something of myself, and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to do it alone.

Renee and Phil wouldn't be any help. They gave up on me a long time ago. They wired money to my account to keep me out of their hair. They didn't even know I had made it through rehab. You almost burn down one little house, and people get all freaked out. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. I swear people _walk _in their sleep; it makes perfect sense that I had tried to smoke in mine. I guess I shouldn't joke about it. That shit nearly killed me.

Charlie would probably help me if I asked. It was strange that I felt closer to my mom's ex husband than I did my own parents. Anytime I stayed at his house, he always treated me like another daughter. That's why I couldn't call him. I had no right.

That left Bella, my crazy ass sister. She even lived near the damn school. She had tried to help me in the past, but there was only so much she could do with a kid. I knew she loved me, but Leonardo was her life, and the last time I saw her didn't turn out so well.

I had been visiting her in Washington. While she was at home putting the munchkin to bed, I was at bar knocking back the shots. Under age drinking was one of my specialties. Being the good big sister that she is, she left Leo with Charlie so she could come pick my drunk ass up. Of course, I proceeded to get in a bar fight, and Bella being Bella wasn't going to let me get my ass kicked like I probably deserved, so we both ended up being picked up by Charlie at the station. When he walked in with the sleeping little boy in his arms, I knew then Bella was done with my shit. She had a kid to think about. She couldn't afford to get in trouble anymore because of me. I missed the hell out of her though.

There were a few weeks before I could move into the dorms. I didn't want to stay here anymore. This shit was boring. I was positive that it was possible to have fun without the whole substance abuse thing; I just needed to find the right people. Maybe Bella would let me stay with her until classes start.

"Where the hell is my phone?" I dug through the couch cushions. I was always losing the stupid thing. Once I found it in the fridge. "Aha!" I found it on top of the microwave. At least it wasn't in the microwave.

I scrolled through my very short list of contacts and found her number. "Here's goes nothing." I hit send and waited.

_"I'm not sending you money."_

I smiled. "What? No hello little sister?"

_"Hello little sister, I'm not sending you money."_

"I see you're still a smart ass. Nobody's knocked that out of you yet?" I was amazed that both of us made it through life with all our teeth.

_"What do want Nessie?"_

That was expected. I usually only called when I needed something. She didn't know about this new awesome leaf I turned over or whatever. "I was thinking I could come for a visit," I said innocently enough.

_"No." _

She didn't mean it. "Come on, Sissy. It's for a good cause."

_"I don't care. You've caused me enough trouble." _

That was true too, but I was a new Nessie. "But what about the leaf?" That made sense in my head.

_"I swear if you show up here, I'll have you arrested." _

She hung up.

I wasn't deterred. Bella thought I was still a junkie. I knew that she had moved to a new town to get away from all the baby daddy drama. People still wouldn't let that go. You'd think getting knocked up by a mystery man at a masquerade ball over seven years ago would be old news by now. I knew she wanted a fresh start for Leo. She didn't want me to show up and mess things up for him with my bad habits. She just needed to see that I wasn't that person anymore.

In the mean time, I needed to pack.

It was going to be hell trying to fit everything on a motorcycle. I had two big ass duffle bags that I could strap on behind me. Thank goodness I didn't have a shoe addiction or I would have to buy a car. Bella and I were the same size, and she was rich as hell, so I could always borrow some of her stuff until I could get around to shopping. If she had gone into mommy mode with her fashion choices, I could just swipe a tee shirt or two from my nephew.

I wondered if Leo still remembered me. From what I remembered of him, he was without a doubt the coolest kid on the planet, and he had barely been five years old. When Bella first pissed on the stick, she was convinced that she was going to screw up some poor little kid. Who knew she would actually be such a good mom?

My stomach made this pretty scary grumbling noise reminding me that other than the popcorn I had for breakfast, I hadn't eaten all day. I needed nourishment, so it was off to the market I go.

Of course, when I got there I couldn't find anything I wanted to cook. I knew how to cook, but sometimes I was just too damn lazy. I decided to pick up something, but choosing what I wanted to eat was never my strong point. I pulled out my phone again.

_"What?"_

"Leah!" Sue's daughter was a hard-ass bitch. I loved her. "What are you eating for dinner?"

_"Chinese, why?"_

That sounded good. "Thanks!" I hung up and called information for the number to a place with a good takeout.

After eating, I finished packing and crashed on the couch. I tried to watch a movie, but my mind kept wandering off. I was a little nervous about how Bella was going to react. Surely she wouldn't really have me arrested. I could be a pain in the ass at times, but I was still her sister. Wasn't there a rule against that sort of thing? I decided to not worry about it and just went to sleep.

The next morning, I grabbed a soda and a poptart and headed out the door. My beautiful bike was all set with my bags strapped on the back. I didn't even know what the hell the thing was called. I just liked how badass it made me look when I was riding.

When it roared to life, I waved goodbye to my parents' empty house and hit the road.

* * *

**JPOV**

It was a slow day; most usually were in this town. The people here were crazy, but they weren't criminal. The most exciting thing to happen in weeks was a misunderstanding. Bella and Leo Swan were quickly making names for themselves. Lucky for me, they just so happened to be my neighbors.

I frequently patrolled our neighborhood. It was usually the most interesting place to be. Watching the people who lived there communicate with each other was better than any television show. I sometimes had to remind them that certain things could not be done in public.

As I drove past my house, something caught my eye. There was an unfamiliar motorcycle parked in Bella's driveway. I slowed down to check it out, and that's when I saw him. The helmet-wearing driver was snooping suspiciously around the side of Bella's house. He was about to climb the fence to get to her backyard when I put the car in park and jumped out.

Bella and Leo were good friends of mine. I wasn't about to let some creep cause them any trouble. "Hey!" I caught the guy by his jacket and easily pulled him off the fence. He was a lot smaller than I had originally thought. "You mind telling me what you're doing climbing this lady's fence?"

The perpetrator reached up and removed the helmet. I was caught off guard when a wave of multi-colored hair fell down onto _her _shoulders. "I'm her pimp," the young woman replied sarcastically. "The bitch owes me money."

I didn't feel like dealing with smart-ass delinquents. "I suggest you get on your bike and go back to wherever it is you came from."

"Are you going to make me, Officer?" she asked boldly, taking a step towards me.

I put my hand on my gun. "If I have to," I replied.

"Hey, calm down, dude. I was just messing with you. I'm not a criminal. I know her," she said, holding up her hands in surrender. That was more like it.

"Go," I commanded. I didn't believe her for a second.

She huffed, "Fine. I'm going."

I watched her closely as she walked away. I knew her type. She was just another disrespectful college kid who thought she could get away with anything. Judging by the quality of her bike, I would bet anything that her rich mommy and daddy spent a lot of money keeping her out of trouble.

Suddenly, she dropped her helmet on the grass and took off running. _Shit!_ She was heading for my car. The little bitch was stealing my car! I ran after her, but there was no way in hell I would be able to catch her.

Fortunately, the girl wasn't from around here, so she turned down a street with a dead end. I cut through a few yards to reach her. In her hurry to turn around, she got the cruiser stuck in a ditch. I grabbed her just as she was getting out to make a run for it, and forced her down on the hood. "Your ass is going to jail," I growled.

"Like I haven't heard that before," she laughed. "I'll just call Bella. She'll have me bailed out in no time." So, she knew Bella's name. She could have learned that while she was snooping.

I cuffed her, probably with a little more force than necessary. "Let's go see about that." I would have to come back for the damn car. I at least had the sense to take the keys with me this time as I drug the pain in ass back to Bella's house.

"Do all of Bella's visitors get manhandled like this, or is it just my lucky day?" she asked, leaning lazily against the house.

I ignored her and rang the doorbell. Bella opened it moments later. "Hey," her smile faded. "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

"I caught someone sneaking around your house. They claimed to know you," I grabbed the little delinquent and yanked her over to me, so Bella could see her. "Look familiar?" I doubted it, but I wanted to be sure.

"I told you I would have you arrested if you showed up here." Bella was glaring at her. Well, she did know her after all, but they obviously were not friends. I saw Edward come up behind her, checking to see what was happening.

The pain in the ass didn't look bothered at all. "It's good to see you too, Sissy."

What the hell? "Sissy?"

"AH! Aunt Nessie!" Leo shouted, appearing from upstairs. I couldn't believe this shit.

"Leonardo! I'd hug you, but this fine officer felt the need to cuff me," she looked at me impatiently before turning to back to her sister. "A little help here Bella?"

"Jake, you can let her go. This… unique young lady is my little sister, Renesmee 'Nessie' Dwyer." Who the hell would name their kid Re- whatever the hell she said. "Our mother was clearly high on painkillers when she named her."

She smirked. "We can't all have such fancy names as Isabella."

"Isabella?" I never would have suspected her to have such a dainty name. Apparently neither would Edward.

Bella was getting more and more irritated. I couldn't blame her. "What are you even doing here Ness? Aren't you supposed to be in rehab?" Now, that explained a lot. Maybe I would get to be the one to drag her ass back to the clinic.

"I'm clean." Damn. I let out an aggravated breath and uncuffed her. "I just need a place to crash for a few days before I can move into the dorms. I'm going to State." I prayed that Bella would say no. I did not want this girl living next door to me.

"Here's the rules," Bella started. Shit. "No smoking, no drinking, and no cursing in front of the kids, unless you want to lose all your money. If we get arrested for any of your bright ideas, you have to sit next to the butch lady next time." It didn't surprise me that the two of them had been arrested before.

"Kids? Did you pop out another one while I was in rehab?" She was such a delicate young lady. "And who is the man-candy who can't decide between staring at me or your ass?"

Being caught didn't bother Edward at all. He stepped forward and shook her hand with a smile. He introduced himself and explained how he knew Bella. He seemed amused at the prospect of getting information about Bella from the sister. He even offered to make her dinner. "There's plenty if you want to join us Jake. I'm making omelets."

"I think I've had enough for one day, thanks." Not to mention, I still had to go get my car out of the damn ditch.

"Why are you so pissed? I'm the one who had her ass chased around the block because you refused to believe that I wasn't a criminal." I couldn't believe the nerve.

"Your ass was in _my _car that _you _stole!" I shouted.

"Borrowed," she smiled. I would not a hit a girl, but I was a cop; I wasn't opposed to shooting one.

"Is that a no on the omelet?" Edward asked. He was going to get shot too.

At least Bella seemed to be on my side. "Get your ass in the kitchen," she told Edward.

Leo was counting something on his fingers. "Is 'pissed' a bad word? If it is, I'm up to five bucks." Bella grabbed him and escorted him out of the room.

Her sister turned to me. "It was a pleasure meeting you, officer. We should do this again sometime." My hand twitched for my gun as she sauntered off.

"Jacob, you look like you could use a drink. Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" Edward asked. "I'm sure Bella's got something in here."

"No, thank you," I replied tightly. I wasn't sure my self-control would last for the rest of the night. Bella was my friend. Friends don't shoot other friends' sisters.

It took a bit of strategic driving, but I managed to get the cruiser unstuck without calling for backup. This was one story the guys at the station did not need to hear. I wasn't going to explain how a young woman managed to steal my car.

I was almost finished patrolling when I got a call. Tanya Denali reported a domestic disturbance. I knew that new girl was going to cause trouble. I found her and Bella wrestling on their front lawn. It was actually funny to watch despite my earlier irritation. I stepped out of the car and shined the flashlight on them. "What is going on here?"

The pain in the ass smiled deviously. "Well if it isn't Officer Goodbody."

Bella wouldn't mind if I tased her. "I got a call about a domestic dispute in the neighborhood."

"Which one of these pansies ratted us out?" Bella asked irritably.

"You know I can't tell you that." I could give her a hint though. I pointed across the street to Tanya's house.

Bella's eyes narrowed in frustration. Tanya was in trouble. "Thanks Jake. We'll take it inside."

"Goodnight ladies." I got back in the car and started to pull off. I glanced in my rearview mirror to get one more look. The feeling of doom washed over me as I watched her mess with her hair. Trouble had a name, and it was _Nessie_.

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**AN: Hello! I'm not making an update schedule this time because I'm not sure if I can keep it up. I'm on the road, so I'll post new chapters as I get them finished. You'll probably still get two or three a week. I'm taking a few moments from Bella Swan: Kidnapper and adding some new ones to them. If anyone is curious, I have no idea what college Nessie got accepted to. I'm too lazy to do the actual research, and that bit of information is not really vital to the story line. For that same reason, I didn't pick a specific town for them to be living. I know it's cheating, but I've embraced my laziness. It's a part of my nonexistent charm. Review for a preview of chapter two. Thanks for reading!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**NPOV**

Ugh. I hadn't been at Bella's one day, and I had already been arrested and made out with a girl. Tanya could say whatever she wanted, but that bitch liked it. Why wouldn't she? I was a damn good kisser. She wasn't so bad herself as I'm sure she has had plenty of experience. Watching her scream and burn her clothes had been a wonderful way to start the day. Itching powder was a wicked and wonderful thing.

"Sissy!" I yelled as I rummaged through her cabinets. "You don't have any poptarts! What kind of place are you running here?"

"What's a poptart?" Ethan asked, appearing at my side.

"What's a--" I was in shock. "You poor kid!" I pulled him into a hug. "What kind of world are we living in when parents don't feed their kids poptarts?"

"One where parents actually cook," said Bella. She was looking all Betty Crocker as she put a stack of pancakes on the table for the kiddies. Overachiever.

I released Ethan and walked with him over to the table. "I'll get you a box later. You'll love them."

Spending the morning with my sister and three rugrats wasn't so bad. I tried to teach them about cartoons, but they were so damn stubborn. The Looney Tunes would always be awesome no matter what new shit kids turned to instead.

"I like Dora," Sophie argued.

"But you're going to end up learning something. It's summer! That's against the rules." It was madness, but the little squirt just giggled and continued watching her educational shit. I had to get out of there before I started chanting "Swiper, no swiping" with her and the midget on television.

Bella was standing in the kitchen with her phone in hand, shaking her head. "Apparently Edward is trapped in his office because there's an army of women in the foyer, applying for the secretary position. I'm going to break him out. Do you want to come?"

I thought about it. "Sure. Let me go get dressed." I bypassed my suitcase and went to Bella's room. We were sisters. It was only right that I borrowed her clothes without asking. I picked out a cute white shirt that made me look kind of classy.

When I walked past her, she didn't even notice. It sucked the fun right out of it. "That's a cute shirt," she said. "Where'd you get it?"

"Your dresser," I replied.

"Huh," said Bella. "Who knew I had such good taste?" Then she smacked me on the arm. "Stay out of my dresser."

The five of us piled into her monster truck and headed to the hot dad's workplace. When we saw the amount of cars parked in the lot, Bella started making plans to get him out another way. "They'll still be here when you get back though," I told her.

"Shi--oot," said Bella, catching herself before cursing in front of the kids. I don't know why. Our parents did in front of us, and we turned out great... sort of.

"Darn," I heard Leo whisper.

Oh. I forgot the little rascal was still making money off of her. "Bring me back some egg rolls. I'll take care of it." I hopped out of the truck before she could protest.

There was a shit load of sexy secretaries inside, at least enough to make a good porno. Most of their business suits looked as though they had been shrunk in a horrible laundry accident. I scanned the room for my first victim. My eyes fell on a pretty little blonde with tits to large for her body. I bet she had given herself a black eye or two with those bad boys. I brushed the nonexistent wrinkles out of my shirt before taking a seat next to her. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at the clock on the wall.

"Why the hell are these women in here?" I growled. "Did he give them herpes too?"

I heard the little tart gasp next to me. "I'm sorry. Who are you talking about?" she asked sweetly.

"Cullen," I snarled. I didn't know which one she wanted, so I needed to keep it vague. "Are you screwing him too? I knew that bastard was a player. He just better make sure he sends me child support, or I'm taking his ass back to court."

The look on her face was priceless. She grabbed her overpriced designer purse and left the building.

I was just starting to work the room good when a large hand landed on my shoulder. I looked up to see the big guy with amusement twinkling in his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm an exterminator," I replied. "I heard you had a skank problem."

"You're hired." Hired for what? "Your desk is over there." Wait. He wanted _me _to be the new secretary? "Welcome to Cullen Construction, Miss…"

"Dwyer," I filled in. "But I wasn't--" Oh, what the hell. "When do I start?"

He smiled. "Right now, if you want." He held out his hand. "I'm Emmett Cullen. My brothers and I own this place."

"Nessie Dwyer," I said, shaking his hand. "My sister kidnaps your brother's children."

"No shit," he laughed. "You're Bella's sister?" He shocked me by pulling me into a hug. "Welcome to the family. Let me know if you need anything."

He got rid of the rest of the secretaries, and I made myself at home behind the desk. Who knew when I woke up this morning, I'd be getting a job? The phone rang, so I decided to wing it. "Cullen Construction, this is Renesmee. How can I help you?"

"This is _who_?" the woman asked.

It took three tries for her to say my name right. Damn that Renee and her fancy baby names.

The next time I tried something different. "Cullen Construction, this is Nessie. How can I help you?"

"Hello little girl. Can you put your daddy on the phone?" the man cooed.

Did I sound like a child? "My daddy ran off with the secretary. That's why I have to answer the phones. Can I help you?"

I finally decided to call myself Vanessa, making my new job much less of a headache.

I was a damn good secretary. I didn't even get distracted when Bella came back and put the box of sweet and sour chicken in front of me. It smelled delicious though. I had just ended another call when she and the ankle biters were walking out the door. Dear ole Edward had his eyes glued to my sister's retreating form. "You checking out my sister's ass again, boss?" I asked sweetly.

"It's a really nice ass," he replied unapologetically. "Get to work, Vanessa." Well, with that attitude, no wonder Bella was letting him hang around so much. Not just anyone could deal with our shit.

So, I spent the day answering phones and scheduling appointments and such. I got to meet the other Cullen, Jasper. I briefly thought about what it must have been like when the three of them lived in one house. That's a show I'd buy tickets to in a heartbeat. Momma and Daddy Cullen knew how to make damn fine babies.

Since they all had families to get to, I volunteered to lock up. I must have an honest face because Jasper gave me a key. It wasn't until they were all gone that I remembered I didn't have a ride. I rode with Bella, and she was going on a date with the boss man. I couldn't call a cab. That was boring and uncreative. I flipped through the rolodex on the desk to see who I could find.

I quickly grabbed the phone and punched in the numbers. "I need to speak with Officer Black, please. It's urgent." When he picked up, I couldn't help but smile. He was going to be so pissed. "There's been a break-in at Cullen Construction! The woman is screaming something about child support and herpes! Please hurry before the loon tears the place apart." I hung up the phone, locked the place up, and waited outside for him to arrive.

It wasn't long before the cruiser came tearing around the corner and into the parking lot. Officer Goodbody jumped out of the car with his gun in hand. "Hello Officer!" I shouted. His face went from determined to confused to furious in a matter of seconds. "Thanks for coming. I needed a ride, and Bella's on a date." He was grumbling and growling about something, but I couldn't make out what. I did jump out of my skin when he shot the ground a couple of times. "Are you alright? You seem stressed."

The cuffs were on my wrists again before I could blink. "Get in the damn car." He pushed me into the backseat.

I was struggling to sit up when he sped out of the lot, making me fall over again. "You really shouldn't drive so fast. You're a cop. It sets a bad example."

"If you only knew how much I wanted to shoot you right now, you would keep your damn mouth shut," he replied tensely.

"You can't shoot me. That's illegal," I replied. He growled, and I smiled again. He was fun to mess with. Soon, we were outside Bella's house. Jake opened door and yanked me out of the car. Then he shoved me down on the hood and took off the cuffs before leaving. "Thanks for the ride!" I shouted. Turning around, I found my sister trapped under my boss. At least somebody was getting action around here. "Well… looks like the date went well." I smirked and headed inside. Being sober wasn't so bad when you had this kind of entertainment.

**

* * *

JPOV**

"_You almost shot a woman?" _

I sighed. "Dad, she's not a woman. She's the devil." After last night's near psychotic episode, I decided to call Billy for advice.

"_What does she look like?" _

He wasn't any help. "What does that matter?" I snapped.

He chuckled. _"Just trying to get a mental picture, son. Help me out here." _

I huffed. He was enjoying this far too much. "She's… I don't know. She's shorter than me." Obviously. "She's got these blonde and red streaks in her hair, but it looks kinda good on her. She's…" This was ridiculous. "If she wasn't such a pain in the ass, I'd say she was beautiful, but that doesn't change the fact that she _is _a pain in the ass."

"_A beautiful pain in the ass; I think she sounds perfect for you." _

"Bye Dad," I grumbled, ignoring his laughter as I hung up the phone.

Another day was almost over. I was going to grab a few drinks with some of the guys from the precinct, but when I headed out to my bike, something else caught my attention. Nessie was walking down the street to the Newton's house. Now, I had lived here long enough to know that you don't go to their place unless you want to get violated. It looked like someone was about to get welcomed to the neighborhood, and I couldn't wait to watch it play out.

She disappeared inside the house. I went over to where the cruiser was parked and hopped on the back. I didn't know how long she would be in there, but I wasn't going to miss seeing her come out.

I wasn't disappointed. Not even half an hour later, Nessie came sprinting out of the house like it was on fire. When she got close enough, the mixture of horror and anger on her face made me crack up. My laughing pissed her off even more. "Do you know where Jasper Cullen lives? I need to speak with my sister," she seethed.

"Why?" I managed to get out. It was just too damn funny.

"The bitch sent me over there to get a package. She didn't tell me it was Mike's!" She shuddered. "Do you know how to get there or not?"

I hopped off the car. "I'll take you there." There was going to be a cat fight. What man would want to miss that?

She followed me into the garage. "_You _have a bike?"

I tossed her a helmet. "Yes, _I_ have a bike. I rebuilt it myself. It wasn't a gift from Mommy and Daddy."

"Oh spare me," she replied. "While you were probably getting hugs, I was getting money wired to my account." There was no regret in her voice, so either she got over it or it didn't bother her much.

I put on my on helmet and straddled the motorcycle. "Get your ass on this thing."

"You should really be nicer to me," she said, climbing on behind me. "As your new neighbor, I have the power to make your life hell." She wrapped her arms tightly around me.

"Sure, sure," I replied. She didn't scare me.

Crashing the Cullen family dinner was definitely more entertaining than drinking games with the guys, especially when the delinquent spilled the beans on her sister's secret occupation. Watching one hot woman tackle another is never a bad way to spend time, and who would have guessed that Bella wrote erotica for a living.

"She seems lovely," said Esme, watching as Nessie rubbed her sore arm.

"You have no idea," I snorted. Esme lightly swatted my arm.

Before I knew it, Bella was grabbing Leo and heading out to the truck, leaving me with her devil sister, again. I should let her walk home. She probably wouldn't even notice if I slipped out since she was busy arm wrestling Rosalie. However, she wasn't so annoying when I couldn't hear her mouth over the motor, so it wouldn't kill me to give her a ride.

Edward came back with a pleased look on his face. "What are you so smug about?" Jasper asked him.

"Nothing, I was just saying goodbye to Bella," he replied, smiling.

"Bella left?" Nessie frowned. "What is the world coming to when you abandon your own sister for spilling your dirty laundry?"

"Thanks for the pie. It was delicious," I said, kissing Esme on the cheek. "Ready to go, Satan?" I asked Nessie.

She rolled her eyes and turned to Alice. "You have a lovely home, so I'll wait and kill him outside."

"I appreciate that. It was nice to meet you," Alice smiled.

"Can I drive?" Nessie asked as we walked out of the house.

"Nope," I replied.

"Come on," she whined.

I grabbed my helmet. "I'm not holding on to you while you drive my bike." Did she have any idea how unmanly that would make me look?

"Fine," she grumbled. "But would it kill you to take some risks? Why do you even have this thing if you're not going to have fun with it?"

"It wouldn't kill me, but it might kill you." I thought about that. "On second thought…"

She hit me with her helmet before putting it on and climbing on behind me. "You're too big. My arms don't wrap around you like they're supposed to."

"I'm not too big. Your arms are too short," I argued.

"My arms are not--" I didn't hear the rest. My loud motor overpowered her surprisingly pleasant voice. It wasn't squeaky or anything. You could tell she wasn't trying to be cute when she talked.

I drove a little faster this time, so she wouldn't bitch about me not taking any risks. I had to smirk when I felt her tighten her grip on me. Maybe she wasn't as badass as she thought.

When I pulled up to my house, she calmly hopped off, removed her helmet, and glared at me. "My arms are not short." She nodded once, satisfied with herself for getting that out. Then she turned and headed home.

Satan was crazy, but she had a nice ass.

* * *

**AN: Hey guys! I just rolled out of bed. It's all CellaCullen's fault. I was reading "Raising Bella" instead of sleeping like normal people. I hope you're not disappointed that I didn't write out the Nessie/Tanya kiss. I figured you could use your imaginations on that one. If there's anything particular that you really want to read about in Jake or Nessie's POV from Kidnapper, let me know. I'll see what I can do. Reviewers get a preview. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**NPOV**

Two horrifying nights in a row, I had nightmares about Mike and Jessica Newton. Bella should have been ashamed of herself for putting me through that trauma, but was she? Hell no. She was too busy with the hot boss man to notice the dark circles forming under my eyes. Damn neighborhood. Surely there were normal people somewhere around here. With Officer Goodbody on one side, I wondered who was on the other. Grabbing a pair of binoculars, I decided to see for myself.

I recognized the woman standing at the kitchen counter. She and the French dude she was married to were both very welcoming when I ran into them at the grocery store when I was picking up some poptarts for me and the kids.

He came up behind her and moved her hair away from her neck. I figured they were one of those lovey-dovey couples. I wasn't going to be able to stomach that for long.

I didn't have to. "Holy shit!"

Frenchie ripped off her bathrobe and bent her over the counter. I winced when he slammed into her. "Ness! What the hell are you doing?" Bella must not have known she had free porn at her disposal. She was too busy brooding about something. It wasn't something she did often. Maybe this would make her feel better.

"Your neighbors are going at it like bunnies with the blinds open. That French guy is really giving it to her." He was really getting into it, bringing his large hand down, smacking her hard on the ass. She didn't seem to mind at all. "He's spanking her!" Lucky bitch. They were much less creepy than the Newtons. "You couldn't have sent me to those neighbors?!"

"You lecherous perv." She took my binoculars. That thing we learned about sharing when we were kids must not have stuck with Bella.

"Come on, Bells. I've got a job. I'm about to start school again. I don't drink or do drugs anymore. I'm turning into a respectable young woman, and it's making me sick," I pouted.

"Aw Nessie, you are not a respectable young woman," she said with fake sympathy.

I pushed her. She was such a punk, but I was happy to see her smiling again. "Thanks Sissy. You always know what to say to make me feel better." I had to hug her. "Whatever you were thinking about earlier, let it go." I could be sensitive sometimes. "Now, I've got to leave early. I'm gonna send Tanya some flowers to screw with her head."

"Have a good day," she yelled as I walked out the door.

I picked out some tulips for Tanya. I didn't know what the hell each flower meant, so I just picked the one with "lips" in the name. I even added a little card that said "You know you liked it."

Work was fun. Not many people could say that, especially secretaries, but working for the Cullen brothers was definitely an exception. Jasper and Edward were out for a project, so that left the big guy and me, which meant I spent my lunch break eating pizza and reading Mistress Marie books.

"You should read this one," he chuckled, tossing one of the books on my desk.

I didn't realize what he thought was so funny until I started picturing Jacob Black in the place of the main character, Sheriff Wolf. I even dropped the book at one point. I wasn't accustomed to having sexual fantasies about people who thought they hated me. I knew he really didn't hate me, but I wasn't so sure _he _did. He nearly shot me, after all.

As I flipped through the pages, I knew one thing: I would never look at a nightstick the same way again.

"I've got to get to football practice. Stay out of trouble, and I'll see you tomorrow," said Emmett, heading for the door.

I wasn't going to torch the place or anything, but staying out of trouble wasn't an option. I was a young woman without commitments. I needed to enjoy it while I still had time.

There was only so much I could do at work. I slid down the halls in my sock covered feet, but that stopped being fun when I crashed into the wall. I'm a tough bitch, but I was smart enough to know when to call it quits. That shit hurt.

I was getting ready to try it again with a hardhat when my cell phone rang. "Cullen Con--" What the hell was I doing? This was my personal line. "I mean, hello?"

"_Nessie?"_

"Sue!" I smiled. It was always nice to hear from her, at least it was when I had good news to share. "I got into State!"

"_That's wonderful! Now, where the heck are you?" _

_Heck_. I laughed. Sue always pretended to be a classy lady, but when she got angry, the curse words would start flying. "I'm at Bella's. I'm being good. I got a job and everything. Although, the job thing was an accident. I'm a secretary for Bella's new man candy at Cullen Construction."

We chatted for a little while. She told me what Leah and Seth were up to, and how things were going at work. I told her about things at home and the awesome kids that were always at the house. "You should come visit one day," I suggested.

"_I would love to. You stay out of trouble until I can get there, okay?" _

"Sue, you know I can't promise that. I've already been arrested, but not convicted." I felt the need to explain before she freaked out. "Bella's neighbor is a cop. He's fun to look at, but he puts a damper on my good times. Handcuffs are only fun in the bedroom." Or, according to Mistress Marie, they are also fun in the holding tank at the station.

"_I've always had a thing for cops myself." _

I smiled deviously, "Remind me when you come visit. I've got a great book for you to read."

Talking to Sue had been a nice way to spend a few minutes, but then I was bored again. I answered the phones, scheduled appointments, and answered emails, but those moments in between were killing me.

Just before time to go, a plan began to formulate in my mind. It was immature, but I would have to worry about that some other time. I grabbed the phone and dialed. Just my luck, Jacob answered.

"She's coming!" I screeched into the phone.

"_Ma'am, calm down. Who's coming?"_ He sounded so professional.

"Shit!" I cried. "Get over here, you bastard! I am not having this baby by myself." I screamed and hung up. Prank calling was always an enjoyable way to pass the time. I waited a few minutes before calling him again. This time, I used my best hick accent. "Officer? I'd like to report a crime. Some damn loony tune is out there pluckin' my chickens. This ain't KFC!"

"_Who the hell is this?" _He sounded a little angry.

"Hang on, let me check my belt buckle, and I'll call you back." I hung up again.

I didn't feel guilty in the least. He probably didn't have anything better to do. The only crime that went on in this town happens in our neighborhood.

I grabbed Bella's book and flipped through the pages before picking up the phone again. Of course, Jake answered. I knew he would.

"Hello Officer Goodbody," I purred. I sounded ridiculous, but it was supposed to be seductive. "I've been a bad, bad girl. Maybe you should come over and read me my rights. I could use a good frisking right about now," I whispered breathily. "Bring your nightstick," I added.

He hung up.

That was rude. I wasn't finished with that one yet. Maybe I underestimated my seductive powers, and he had to go jack off or something. I would give him a few minutes to take care of that before calling again.

As I was rolling around the room in my snazzy office chair, I heard a car zooming into the lot, which was odd since the place was about to close. I rolled over to the window to peak out. "Shit!" I jumped out the chair and began searching for places to hide. Officer Goodbody was storming towards the door, and man, did he look pissed.

I managed to get inside a supply closet before he opened the front door. It occurred to me then that I could have locked the damn door. I lightly smacked my forehead. I used to be such a quick thinker. Damn drugs.

* * *

**JPOV**

Hearing who I thought was an angry pregnant woman yell at me completely caught me off guard. I had been about to trace her call, to send her an ambulance, when Daisy May called about her chickens. I realized then that I was being prank called. I had my suspicions who it could be, and they were confirmed with the third call. Only one person calls me Officer Goodbody.

I traced the call back to Cullen Construction. Of course. If you're going to hire a kidnapper to be your babysitter, why not hire a delinquent to be your secretary? Well, I had news for them; if they wanted their little secretary back, they would have to come pick her up at the station.

I locked my gun away in the car. It would have been horrible for someone to _accidentally_ get hurt over a few prank calls. I was prepared to kick the door down, but it opened with ease.

Nessie was no where in sight, but her things were still on the front desk. She was there somewhere. "I know you're in here, Dwyer!" I shouted. "Come out now, and no one gets hurt." Nothing. I was going to have to search the place. First, I made sure my keys were securely in my pocket. The last thing I needed was for the brat to steal my car again.

I heard the supply closet door swing open, but before I could react, the crazy woman jumped on my back. Thrown off balance by the psycho, I crashed into the wall. She took that opportunity to make a run for it, but I caught her before she could get to the door.

"You are a pain in my ass," I growled, pushing her up against the wall.

"Jake," she smiled. "I was just about to call you." I cuffed her. "Again with the handcuffs," she sighed. "Why can't you just take me out to dinner, like a normal guy?"

"Why can't _you _just _be _normal?" I shot back.

"Where's the fun in that?" she asked, insulted that I would even think such a thing.

I pulled her away from the wall and started leading her toward the door. "You have the right to remain--"

She cut me off. "Can you get my bag off the desk?"

"Woman, I'm trying to read you your rights," I snapped. I grabbed her purse and shoved into her hands. She somehow managed to hold onto it, even with her wrists bound together behind her back.

"I've heard all this shit before," she complained.

"That's not my problem." I started over. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say c--"

She had the nerve to cut me off again. "Grab that book, will you?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. This was insane. I was normally a pretty laid back guy, but this girl was constantly getting me worked up. Of course, I could have sent one of the other guys to pick her up, but for whatever reason, that just didn't sit well with me. If somebody was going to arrest her, it was going to be me.

I led her over to her chair. "Sit down, please."

"Well, since you asked nicely," she dropped her ass in the chair.

"Thank you," I said tensely. I went over to the closet and rifled through the different supplies until I found a roll of tape.

"Don't even think about it," Nessie warned. She started to get up, but I got over to her before she could manage it. I kind of had to straddle her to keep her in the chair.

I tore off a big enough piece and placed it firmly over that mouth. "Now," I smiled, pulling her up. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?"

She glared at me, so I took her chin in my hand and forced her to nod.

"Good girl," I said. She kicked me in the shin. "Add assaulting an officer to your list of crimes," I growled. She had a pretty hard kick. That shit was gonna leave a bruise.

When I finally got her ass to the station, I lightly pushed her into the holding cell. It had been such a peaceful drive, that I didn't bother taking off the tape. I couldn't decide if I was going to put her in the system or not. She had much more serious offenses on her record. Prank calling and kicking an officer were nothing compared to the shit she did in the past.

Quil, one of my fellow officers, came in to tell me he was leaving for the night. "What do we have here?" he asked with a damn grin on his face.

"The devil," I replied. "I've got it under control. You can head out."

"Why does the devil have tape on her mouth?" he chuckled. "Come here, ma'am."

Bastard. There goes the peace.

"Thank you," said Nessie sweetly, after he carefully pulled the damn tape off her skin. "Could you let me out of here for a second? I believe I'm supposed to get a phone call."

He started to grab his keys, but I stopped him. "Trust me. You don't won't her to get loose." She steals cop cars. "I brought her in. I'll take care of the phone call."

"Alright," he shrugged. "I'll see ya. Call Embry if you need backup. He loves this kind of shit."

"Sure, sure," I replied.

"It was nice to meet you," said Nessie as he walked out the door.

I grabbed the phone and handed her the receiver. "One call." I held it close enough for her to dial the number. I wasn't worried. The only person she really knew here was Bella, and I knew that she wasn't home.

"Hi," Nessie smiled. "I'd like a medium pizza with extra cheese, and an order of breadsticks, and hang on." She covered the phone with her hand, "Do you want anything?" I frowned. Unbelievable. "You better tell me now. You're not getting mine." I snatched the phone out of her hand. "Hey!" she protested.

I was about to hang up, but I _was _kind of hungry. "And a large meat lover's pizza." I gave him the address and hung up. "I'm buying, so you're sharing the damn breadsticks."

"Fine," she grumbled. "You know, you should really-- _Shit_!" She literally dove onto the bench. For a moment there, I thought she was actually going to climb the bars.

"What the hell is your problem?" I asked. I was a little worried.

"Mouse," she whimpered. "I hate mice."

"Seriously? You steal cars and get in bar fights, but you're scared of a little mouse?" I chuckled. It was just too damn funny. Apparently she didn't think so. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed a broom and shooed the little rodent out of the building. "You're safe from the big, bad mouse. You can get down now."

Nessie sat down, but didn't put her feet on the floor. "How did you know about the bar fights?" she asked.

I pointed to the computer. "I did a background check on you. You've got a pretty thick file for a twenty year old."

"I'm not like that anymore," she replied quietly.

The pizza delivery guy chose that moment to show up. I paid the kid and slid the medium pizza into the cell. I ended up sitting next to her on the floor with the bars in between us, so we could share the breadsticks.

Nessie picked up a slice. "Pizza in the slammer… you sure know how to show a girl a good time."

"You were arrested. Did you have any better ideas?" I asked sarcastically.

She smiled. "As a matter of fact, I do. Take off your shirt and bring me those handcuffs."

I choked on a breadstick.

* * *

**AN: Don't get your hopes up. Their first time isn't until the closet/mouse incident from BS:K. It's kind of difficult to write their relationship, because even though they may like each other, they refuse to believe it. Some people are too damn stubborn. I hope no one was offended by Nessie's hick accent. I'm from the South, and some of my favorite people are rednecks. I really appreciate all of your feedback, especially since the majority of you aren't big Jake/Nessie fans. I'm working on chapter 4 now, so if you leave a review, I'll send you a quick preview. Thanks for reading!**

**Oh! In other news, Bella Swan: Kidnapper was nominated for a Golden Chocolate award. I'll put a link on my profile. Thanks to whoever nominated it. In case you haven't seen it yet, there's also something nice for you guys to look at on my homepage.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**NPOV**

Jacob was asleep with his head on the desk. After reading Bella's book, it became a personal goal of mine to get him to bring out his nightstick. All it took was singing the chorus of _Jailhouse Rock _loudly and repeatedly at about three o'clock in the morning for him to throw the damn thing at me. Luckily, those bars were in the way. Officer Goodbody had a temper.

I didn't understand why he had stayed the night anyway. Through some impressive eavesdropping, I learned that his friend Embry was on duty, not him. I wasn't even fingerprinted and no mug shots were taken. Instead, he handcuffed me and bought me pizza. I wasn't sure whether I had been arrested or taken on a date.

Jake's watch started to beep, causing him to groan and sit up. He pressed a button to stop the annoying sound before rubbing his face with his hands.

"Good morning, honey. How did you sleep?" I asked dryly.

"Damn," he groaned. "I was hoping you were a nightmare."

I rolled my eyes. "So, what's on the agenda for the day? Are you going to interrogate me or something?" I was in jail. We might as well go all out.

"Nope," he stood up, grabbing the keys to unlock the cell. "The pee wee football season starts today. It's kind of a big thing around here, and I'd rather go to that than hear you sing all day." He opened the door and moved aside to let me out. I was surprised he didn't cuff me.

"You know you liked it," I replied. I was no Whitney, but I wasn't tone deaf either.

He drove me back to the office, so I could get my bike. Since I was in the back, he had to open the door, so I could get out when we got there. "We should do this again sometime," I joked, stepping out of the car.

"I'm sure we will," he replied, shutting the door.

"Goodbye Officer," I smiled as he got back in the car and drove away.

Pee wee football. I vaguely remembered Boy Bella and the mini boss, otherwise known as Leonardo and Ethan, telling me about their game. What kind of aunt would I be if I didn't go cheer for them? I probably needed to put on something with their team colors, but that seemed so ordinary.

On the drive back home, I passed the small tattoo parlor and immediately knew what I would do to show team spirit. I parked my bike out front and headed inside.

Expecting to see some big scary dude with ninety percent of his body covered in tattoos, I was rather shocked when a blonde woman with a sparkly belly button ring came out from behind the curtain. "What can I do for you?" she asked.

I couldn't help myself. "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

"Are you hitting on me?" She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, waiting for my response.

"No, I've already reached my monthly quota for kissing women. I was just asking," I answered.

She didn't appear convinced, which I thought was a little presumptuous. I mean, she was pretty, but not enough to turn lesbian over. "I have a thing for bad boys. I figured this would be a good place to meet them," she explained.

I knew from experience that not all bad boys had tattoos, but why ruin her fun? I looked through the designs until I found the perfect one, a wolf. The boys' team mascot was a wolf. I swear it had nothing to do with Mistress Marie's Officer Wolf. That was just a coincidence.

"Drop your pants," said the blonde.

"Are you hitting on me?" I had to ask. It was only fair.

"Not yet, but we'll see how the morning goes," she joked. At least, I hoped she was joking. Technically, I did just get out of prison, so I was kind of her type.

We were friends up until she touched that needle to my skin. After that, I hated her. Don't get me wrong, I can handle pain, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I'd better at least get a "World's Best Aunt" coffee mug for this shit.

"Disappointing," said the blonde. "I had you pegged for a screamer."

This was getting slightly uncomfortable, but I had brought it on myself. "Are you finished yet?" The pain wasn't as bad after the first minute, but I could still do without it.

"Yep." She busied herself by applying some ointment, so she could put on the necessary bandage. Then she gave me a nifty little paper about aftercare before taking my money and sending me on my way. Overall, she was an interesting person. Maybe I'd give Tanya her number.

I went home to get cleaned up and grab a bite to eat before heading to the game. I was scanning the crowd for my sister when I saw one of my other favorite people.

"CHARLIE!" In my excitement, I ran across the field and threw my arms around him. "Bella didn't tell me you were coming!" He chuckled a little and hugged me back. It was always good to see him.

"I didn't know," said Bella. "How'd you get out of jail?"

Did she have to bring that up already? That would make me look bad. "Jake let me go. He said he wasn't going to miss the opening game because of me. Can you believe that guy?"

"Renesmee Carlie Dwyer, what were you doing in jail?" Charlie asked. I kind of got a kick out of it though. It was nice to have someone fuss at me when I needed it.

"I swear I'm innocent. Officer Goodbody has it out for me," I explained. Before he could call bullshit, I turned to my handsome little dudes. "You guys want to see my new tattoo? I got it this morning just for the game." I showed them the inked beast near my hip.

"We better go sit down," said Bella. "Good luck out there boys, coach."

When we got to the bleachers, we ended up sitting with the rest of the Cullen clan. Little Sophie, in all her cheerleader cuteness, moved to sit on my lap. "I like your wolf," she said sweetly.

"Thank you very much," I replied. "If I ever get to baby-sit you, I'll make sure to get you a tattoo as well." I wasn't completely mental; I meant a stick-on.

"Yay," she smiled before turning her attention to the field. She got excited when she saw her brother and Leo out there. I had a hard time keeping a grip on the bouncing girl.

"Bella tells me you're going back to college," said Charlie.

I nodded, smiling. "Yes sir, I told her I would only be here a few days, but I knew she wouldn't let me through the door if I said a couple of weeks."

"She's right," Bella added, "but I guess she's not so bad to have around." See. I knew she loved me.

"I want to be a counselor like my friend Sue. I went through a lot, and I put you guys through a lot. I can't let it all be for nothing." Check me out. I was sounding all wise like Yoda or something.

"I'm proud of you, kid," said Charlie. That shit right there made my whole damn day.

Unfortunately, the next word out of Sophie's mouth put a damper on it. "Jake!" she squealed.

Jake and I both groaned. He grabbed the energetic girl out my arms. "I just can't get away from you, can I?" he asked me.

"You can't mess with me right now," I gloated. "I'm sitting next to Chief Swan." I looked at Charlie pleadingly. "Will you please arrest him? He's put me in handcuffs three times already."

"Get Bella to kidnap him and bring him to Forks. Then I'll see what I can do," he agreed. Charlie Swan was my hero.

"Jake, this is my dad Charlie," said Bella. "Dad, Jake is my neighbor I was telling you about, the normal one."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir," said Jacob, shaking Charlie's hand while still holding Sophie with his other arm.

I rolled my eyes as they made brief small talk. Jacob had the nice guy routine down to an art. "You know, you're kind of in the way."

To my surprise, he sat down next to me. I heard a very unladylike snort behind me, so I turned to see who was enjoying my aggravation. Rosalie just shrugged and turned her attention back to the game.

"Put one toe out of line, and I'll have you back in jail before you can say nightstick," Jake whispered menacingly in my ear.

My damn body trembled. He just had to say _nightstick_.

Eventually Sophie went over to play with her little cousin Nate. He was a cute little guy with curly blond hair and Emmett's dimples. The whole family was gorgeous. It didn't really seem fair that they had good looks _and_ good personalities. I thought you were just supposed to have one or the other. Of course, I had a tendency to be wrong a lot.

Every time Ethan or Leo got the ball, we all had to cheer like maniacs. They ate it up though. I could see their little grins clear across the field.

The game was almost over when I looked over at Jacob. He was a typical guy when it came to sports. He kept leaning over me to talk to Charlie. It was annoying, no matter how good he smelled. They were bonding a little too much for my liking. I needed to distract him.

I waited for Bella to have Charlie's attention before turning to Jake. "I can't believe you," I admonished. "You brought your gun to a pee wee football game."

He looked confused. "What are you--"

I put my hand on his crotch. "Oh," I grabbed him a little. "My mistake." I wish I had a camera. The look on his face was priceless. He quickly stood up, mumbled some excuse for leaving, and rushed off.

"Where's he going?" Charlie asked.

I smirked, "He needed to unload his bullets."

**

* * *

JPOV** (the next day)

Shit. I sat up panting… again. I knew the first time I stared at her ass longer than necessary that there was something wrong with me. It wasn't healthy to have x-rated dreams about the devil, but I couldn't get her out of my head.

I knew I could resist her if I could just manage to stay away from her. The problem was: I was a cop, and she was a cop magnet. To top that off, she was also Bella's sister. When you're friends with a guy, his little sister is usually off limits. I didn't know the protocol for when your best friend was a woman, but I was sure it was similar. It didn't matter anyway. I wasn't going to do anything. I just needed to keep her away from me.

Shredder's loud bark let me know that Bella must be outside. She could help me. With that thought, I dove out of bed and raced out of the house, tugging on a shirt as I ran. "Bells, can I talk to you?"

She looked up and nodded. "Sure. What's up?"

What the hell was I supposed to say? "It's about that delinquent living in your house."

"Why don't you come inside for some tea or something," she offered. That was probably a good idea. We had nosey neighbors, so I followed her to her house. "What did she do now?" She handed me a glass of sweet tea when we got the kitchen.

"Bella, I need you to get her to stay away from me. I can't take it anymore, and if she keeps getting me riled up, I can't be held responsible for my actions. You're my favorite neighbor. I don't want to end up doing something that will make you hate me, but she just…" I couldn't even find the right words.

"Jacob, what are you talking about?" she asked, sounding baffled.

It was like ripping off a band-aid. I just had to do it quickly. Hopefully, Bells wouldn't freak out on me. "I'm going to fuck the shit out of her." Woo, that felt nice to get out.

Shit. I think she went into shock. "Come again?"

"I'm sorry for being so blunt. It's just… every time I get her in those cuffs, I want to bend her over the hood of my car and--" The dreams were still playing in my mind.

"I got it!" she shouted, cutting me off.

I guess that was too much information. "Sorry." She just had to help me. Surely, she would keep Nessie away from me now. _I will not _have sex with_ Satan. _

"What exactly do you want me to do, Jake?" she asked. The punk was trying not to laugh. How could she find this funny? I was dying of sexual frustration over a girl that I was trying really hard to hate.

"I don't know. I've never had this kind of problem before." I wasn't sure anyone had ever had this problem before. It was just not natural.

"Um…" Damn. She wasn't helping me out here. "Look, she's my sister. No matter how much I try to deny it, there are DNA tests that prove it, but you're one of my best friends. Quite honestly, I'm more worried about you than I am her." She grabbed me by the arms and tried to shake me. "Pull yourself together, man. If Nessie discovers your weakness, she's gonna torture you to no end."

She was right. I would not Nessie get the best of me. It would have helped if she hadn't grabbed little Jake, but that was something I would have to force myself to forget. "Alright," I said, getting up. I had things to do. "I better get to work. I'll be seeing you." I hugged Bells goodbye before heading out.

I got ready for work and headed down to the station. Sam was waiting for me at my desk. "Got a minute?"

"Sure," I replied. I knew what this was about. No one knew how to keep their mouths shut around here. If one of us knew, we all knew. These damn officers gossiped worse than a bunch of junior high girls. Sam obviously knew about me keeping a prisoner without actually charging her with anything. I wasn't worried though. Since I turned down the position, Sam got to be Chief of Police, so he never gave me too much of a hard time.

"Look, I'm not judging you," he started. I already didn't like where this was going. "But if you're going to do the whole naughty prisoner bit with your girlfriend, make sure you're not on the clock."

Was he kidding me? "She's not my girlfriend. She's my neighbor's pain in the ass sister."

He held up his hands, "Like I said, I'm not judging you." I heard some of the guys snickering behind me. "Oh, and make sure you use your own cuffs."

"Very funny," I grumbled. Although, the idea of bringing her back here to-- I shook my head to clear my thoughts. That was a road I did not need to go down.

I had a pretty normal day. I joked around with the guys, did a little work, and smacked myself every time I had an impure thought about a particular delinquent. I was probably going to have bruises before the day was over.

When it got quiet at the station, I found myself sitting by the phone, waiting for a damn prank call. My keys were already in my hand. I was all set to go arrest her crazy ass again, but nothing was happening. There was no way she could be out there, not causing trouble. I just had to wait for her to get caught or go catch her myself.

Finally, the damn thing rang. To my surprise, it was Leo.

"_Hi Jake!" _

"Hey Leo," I chuckled. "What can I do for you? Is your mom in some sort of trouble?" It was a reasonable assumption.

"_No sir. It's Aunt Nessie." _

I sat up a little straighter. "What'd she do now?"

"_Nuthin'. She told me to call for help. Mrs. Newton is here." _

"Could you put your aunt on the phone?" I had to make sure she wasn't getting violated. It was my job to protect the innocent, but I didn't know if Nessie fit into that category.

"_Jake!" _she whispered frantically. _"You have to get over here now. She keeps talking to my chest. I swear, you kiss one woman, and they all show up on your doorstep, expecting a good time. I don't know how you do it." _

Yep, she was definitely freaking out. I should have done something to help. "Listen carefully," I said seriously. "Are you paying attention?"

"_Yes!" _

"I need you to go back in there," I paused to let her squirm a little, "and grab her crotch."

"_What?!" _she shouted.

I was sure Jessica heard her. "That's how _you _check for weapons, isn't it?" It's what the little tease did to me. "I have to have probable cause if I'm going to arrest someone," I grinned. This was too much fun.

"_I hate you," _she growled, but I knew she didn't mean it.

I laughed loudly. "Calm down. Just stay where the children can see you, and I'm sure she'll keep her hands to herself. Have a nice night, Miss Dwyer."

I hung up the phone, feeling all proud of myself. I could stay away from her. No problem.

* * *

**AN: We all know he's full of shit. So, this was chapters 11 and 12 of Bella Swan: Kidnapper. That means 13 is next. I'm sure that will be interesting to write. Does anyone know the name of Rebecca's (one of Jake's sisters) husband? It's not really important to the story, but I'm curious, and I can't remember reading about it. I know Paul imprinted on Rachel, and I believe Rebecca lives in Hawaii, but I'm clueless after that. Anyway, thanks for all the feedback! I love you guys. Review for a preview.**

**Update: Rebecca's husband is an unnamed surfer. Thanks for all of you who answered.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**NPOV**

Things were slow at the office, so I had time to think about the night before. I told the boss man that Bella was on a date when she was really just catching up with an old friend. How was I supposed to know he would go all crazy and kidnap her? I hoped something like that would happen, but I shouldn't be blamed for it. Besides, I was doing her a favor. She didn't need to be hanging out with horrible people like Felix who call her sister mean names like _Loch Ness_. Jerk.

Sending Jessica Newton over was just unnecessary. The woman kept touching me. They were innocent touches of course; even she wasn't pervy enough to violate me in front of her daughter and the three munchkins, but it was still creepy as hell. Every time she laughed and touched my arm, I flinched, thinking about all the horrible things she and her husband wanted to do to me.

Jake was absolutely no help, the asshole. I'm sure I gave him a perfectly good hard-on, and he thanks me by leaving me unprotected with Newton. My virtue was in danger. Okay, I wasn't exactly innocent, and I wasn't technically a virgin, but I really don't think it should count if you can't remember most of it. It was Seth's first and last time doing drugs with me. It all worked out for the best though. He introduced me to Sue, and she gave me the kick in the ass I needed to get myself together.

My stomach growled, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Whoa!" said Jasper as he came down the hall. "You should feed that thing," he smiled. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off? You've been doing a great job. You deserve it."

"You are officially my favorite boss," I replied.

"Hey!" Emmett yelled indignantly from his office.

"Just bring him a candy bar tomorrow, and he'll forget you ever said that," said Jasper.

"It better be a big ass candy bar!" he shouted.

I laughed. "See you later."

On the way home, I grabbed a burger. There was no way I was going to cook. I practically swallowed it whole. Maybe I was hungrier than I thought. I would have to go for a run or something later, so the damn thing didn't make its way to my thighs.

I didn't see Bella's truck out front, so I assumed no one was home. I wasn't a fan of silence, so I pulled out my iPod. I had pretty much every genre of music on the damn thing. Variety is the spice of life or whatever.

It was a mere coincidence that Bowling for Soup's version of "Li'l Red Riding Hood" started playing. I strolled through the house, smiling slightly every time they howled like a wolf.

When I got to my room, I grabbed my binoculars out of habit. My window had a good view of a certain neighbor's house.

"Hello, Officer Goodbody." He was outside, getting ready to cut his grass. Apparently, it was a job he did without his shirt. I figured if he spent so much time at the gym, I should at least be polite enough to stop and appreciate the view. I noticed he had a tattoo on his back, but he turned before I could make out what it was.

My day wasn't going to be complete if I didn't bug him a little, so I headed over to my mirror to make sure I didn't look like shit. That's when I noticed it. My closet door was closed. That shit wasn't cool. I never closed it, and Bella knew better.

My heart was in my throat as I slowly walked towards the door. I wasn't afraid of closets; I was afraid of what could be hiding in them. It was childish shit, but I've had more than my fair share of bad experiences with people scaring the hell out of me. Some things are scarier when you're intoxicated, and I hung out with some mean assholes in the past.

I hesitantly reached towards the knob. My fingers were just about to touch it when a mouse from hell ran out from underneath the door. It was too much. I had to get the hell out of there.

"Nessie!" Jake stopped me when I ran out of the house. "Why were you screaming? What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked frantically, holding onto my arms even though he had a pistol in his hand.

I hadn't even realized I _was _screaming. "Jake!" I was so relieved to see him. "There's somebody in the house! They're in my closet! I was going to check and see who it was, but then a mouse came out and--"

"Wait," he stopped me, looking furious. "Someone's in the house? How do you know?"

"My closet door was shut!" Was he even listening?

The anger slipped away, replaced by incredulity. "Are you kidding me? You scared the shit out of me because there's a monster in your closet?" He huffed and headed into the house, putting the gun in the back of his pants.

"Damn it, Jacob! Stop being an asshole. I'm telling you something is in my closet." I followed him down the hall. I wasn't crazy. I felt it in my gut.

"Aren't you a little old to be afraid of the boogey man?" he asked.

I wanted to smack him. "It's not the boogey man," I growled. "Get your gun out! What kind of cop are you?"

"Trust me," he replied. "It's much safer for you, if I don't take my gun out."

"Are you threatening me?" I had a blade under my mattress. He had better watch himself.

"Brace yourself, Nessie. I'm about to look in the closet." Sarcastic ass. I kind of hid behind him as he yanked the door open.

It was empty. "That's impossible. I know something was in there."

"Yeah, a damn mouse," he replied.

"A damn mouse can't close the closet door!" I shouted back.

"Would you like me to check under the bed while I'm in here, or can I go now?" Jake asked, mocking me.

"Go to hell," I replied.

He scoffed. "I'm already there!"

That was it. I lunged for him. I had every intention to beat the shit out of him. It didn't occur to me that he was twice my size. I did manage to knock him off balance, but his arms wrapped around my waist as he stumbled backwards, crashing into the wall and knocking a lamp over in the process.

His chest was right in my face. I somehow managed to pull my eyes away from it, so I could focus my glare on his face. "Bitch," he growled.

"Bastard," I whispered angrily.

"Shit." He crashed his lips against mine.

Without thinking twice, I shoved my fingers into his hair, grabbing it in my fists. He broke away from me, dropping me to my feet and yanking my shirt over my head. Then he took his gun out and put it on my dresser before pulling me back to him. Our hands were all over the place, getting rid of any clothing that got in the way. As soon as my pants hit the floor, I jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist as he grabbed my ass.

"You're supposed to hate me," I reminded him, during one of the few moments my mouth wasn't occupied.

"Shut up," he replied, falling onto the bed, but keeping most of his weight off of me.

"Make me." I squealed when he thrust a finger into me. It was very un-Nessie, so I got a little frustrated. "Son of a bitch." I felt him smile against my neck. Two could play at that game. I reached down in between us, searching for a little something to grab a hold to… only it wasn't so little.

**

* * *

JPOV**

"Forget the damn nightstick," Nessie moaned.

I almost didn't hear her over my own groan. "What the hell is it with you and nightsticks?"

"Ask Bella," she replied, panting.

"I'm a little busy at the moment," I growled.

So much for avoiding her. When I heard her screaming earlier, it scared the shit out of me. I was ready to kill someone over the pain in the ass. Then when we were fighting, I couldn't take it anymore. Now I had her right where I shouldn't want her. I would just have to regret it later, because I sure as hell wasn't stopping now.

My mouth was making its way down her body when I saw the marking near her hip. I pulled back a little to see it better. "What the hell is this?"

"It's a tattoo, smartass," said Nessie, sitting up a little to see what had distracted me.

I knew it was a damn tattoo. It was a smaller version of the one I had on my back. I don't know why, but that drove me crazy. I pinned her down to the bed and slammed myself into her. "Shit!" I wasn't sure if she said that or I did.

The harder I pounded, the louder she screamed. "You want the neighbors to hear you?" I growled in between thrusts.

"They--" She gasped, "Shit!" I liked that I could get that sort of reaction out of her. "They probably… get off on it." The creepy part was, she was probably right.

She could have as many orgasms as she wanted. I wasn't coming until I was good and ready. She had been driving me insane for days, so I was going to get my fill.

"Jacob," she whimpered.

Damn.

I got in a few final, desperate thrusts before releasing myself inside her. I caught most of my weight on my arms to keep from crushing her. "I wasn't finished."

"Feels like you were to me," she replied mockingly, still panting. She was lucky I needed a break or I would have pounded her for that. Instead, I groaned and rolled off her, landing on my back beside her. "What the hell just happened?" she asked.

"We lost our damn minds," I replied.

We lay there quietly for a few minutes until Nessie pulled herself up. "I'm going to take a shower. I'll meet you at the car in half an hour."

I sat up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

She was already getting some clothes out of her dresser. "I gave you sex. You're at least buying me ice cream."

"Crazy ass," I grumbled, getting off the bed to grab my jeans.

"Whoa!" I felt her small hand touch my back. "We have the same tattoo!"

"No shit," I replied.

The crazy woman started laughing. "You know what this means don't you?" I turned around to see her, and her face turned sarcastically serious. "We were meant to be," she sighed, faking adoration.

I couldn't help but chuckle. She was still a pain in the ass, but at least she was funny. "Let's hope not."

"Don't forget your gun, Officer," she smiled before traipsing off to her bathroom.

As I walked out of the house, Tanya waved from across the street. "Jesus, Black, is she still alive in there?"

I ignored her and went to take a quick shower. Apparently, I was going out.

About thirty-five minutes later, Nessie met me outside. "We're going to have to take the cruiser. I'm not straddling a bike."

"I'm not driving the cruiser. It's my day off," I argued. I didn't want to think about work. "We'll just take my car," I added.

"What car?" she asked, following me to my garage.

I pulled the cover off my 1969 Ford Mustang Boss 429 and opened the passenger side door without thinking. Ness was too busy ogling my car to notice. "Are you coming or not?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes at my impatience and got in the car. "You left your boxers in my room by the way. I hung them on my wall for decoration. I hope you don't mind," she mentioned as I pulled out of the garage.

I was pretty sure she was kidding.

We argued the entire way to the creamery. I didn't get her to shut up until there was an ice cream cone in her hand. When I got to the little table outside, she was on the phone. "No, we're not dating. He's kind of a jerk actually. He's arrested me three times already." I wasn't bothered. What did I care what she told her delinquent friends? "Ok, hold on," she laughed and held the phone out to me. "Your sister wants to talk to you."

"What the--" I felt my pocket, and sure enough, my damn phone was missing. "You're a pickpocket too?" I snatched the phone from her. "Hello?"

"_Jakey, why are you arresting your dates these days?" _

I sighed, "Hey Rachel." I glared at Nessie, who smiled in return.

"_You didn't answer the question. She sounds like a sweetheart. Why would you put her in cuffs? Wait! Never mind, I don't want to know." _

"She stole my car, she committed perjury, and she assaulted an officer. She is far from a sweetheart. The woman is Satan," I informed her.

Nessie stood up, "I'm going to get some sprinkles. Do you want any, honey?" She made sure to say that shit loud enough for my sister to hear.

"_I'm hanging up. I have to call Rebecca. She needs to know about this." _

"Rachel, don't you dare," I warned.

"_Love you, little brother. Bye!" _

I groaned and put my phone away. "You just had to call my sister."

"Actually, I was going to call your dad, but Rachel called before I got the chance," Nessie explained.

"I should arrest you for theft," I told her. She stole my phone. Who cared if she gave it back?

"Just eat your ice cream. You're not on duty," she replied.

I clinched my fists in frustration, watching her lick that damn ice cream. "Hurry up. I'm ready to take your ass back home. I'm getting a headache." And a hard-on. If I didn't get away from her soon, we were both going to be arrested for indecent exposure. "Come on. You can eat in the car." I never let anyone eat in my car, but it was an emergency.

Getting her in the car was a huge mistake. Not only was she still licking, but she was also moaning happily after every taste. I was clinging to the steering wheel, trying to control myself. I would not have sex in my car.

"Where are we going?" Nessie asked.

I had turned abruptly, taking us down the woodsy back roads that most people didn't even know about. I pulled over at a secluded spot, and unbuckled my seatbelt. "Get out of the damn car," I growled.

I said I wouldn't have sex with her _in _the car. _On _it was another story.

* * *

**AN: It's not a cliffhanger. You're just going to have to imagine that one yourselves, because there's no way I can do it justice. My mind is too innocent for such lemons. I put a picture of Jake's car on my homepage if you're interested. kambriarain (dot) blogspot (dot) com. ****He seemed like the type to have an older car that he could fix up. I'll admit that I know nothing about cars. I just liked the way this one looked. Jake and Nessie will do the whole "making love" thing eventually, but they weren't ready for that yet. They still don't know they like each other. Crazy kids. Anyway, reviewers get a preview of chapter 6. Thanks for reading!  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**NPOV**

"Sweet Jesus," I groaned when I finally pulled myself out of bed. Officer Goodbody was a beast. As soon as the soreness went away, I was going to march over to his place and bitch him out for doing this to me. If we happened to go for round three, so be it.

I needed some coffee, but I heard Bella and the kids giggling in the kitchen. Hopefully, they wouldn't notice my condition.

"Aunt Nessie, why are you walking funny?" Leo asked.

My damn nephew was too observant. "I rode a horse," I replied.

"Must have been some horse," Bella mumbled.

My eyes snapped to her. "What did you say?" She couldn't possibly know about Jake. No one was home yesterday, were they?

"Nothing," she smiled before turning to the munchkins. "Come on guys. We've got to go buy you some school supplies." Of course, the boys groaned. I couldn't blame them.

I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when Ethan came over to the sink to put his plate away. "You're going to be in Leo's class." I said. "You two are going to get in so much trouble."

He smiled at me. "I've never been in trouble at school before."

"Oh, I have so much to teach you," I replied. I would teach him the innocent stuff of course. There was no way I wanted him to end up like me.

"Mom said not to do anything you say," said Leo, waltzing over to join us.

"Why would she say that?" I asked innocently. They both shrugged. Sighing, I hugged them and sent the little heartbreakers on their way. I glanced over at my traitorous sister to see her and Sophie rubbing their noses together. They were pretty damn cute. They started to leave when I remembered something. "Hey! Pick up some mouse traps, will you?" I hate mice.

My day was pretty normal. I did the whole secretary thing, read porn with Emmett, threw hammers with Jasper, and got chased by Edward. I tried to tell him that the hammer flying through his office was Jasper's fault, but for some reason, he didn't believe me.

Eventually, the boss men left to prepare for a camping trip with the boys for Ethan's birthday. I got him an awesome gift. It was a toy gun that shoots mini marshmallows. Ammunition you can eat is genius.

I also volunteered to bake him a cake. Well, technically, I volunteered to deliver his cake, but Bella wasn't the only one with skills in the kitchen. We didn't get that particular talent from our mother though. Renee plus cooking equaled shit on a plate. I wasn't going to tell anyone that I baked the masterpiece. I didn't want them to expect it too often. My ass was too lazy to slave over a hot stove all day unless it was for a good cause.

I went to the market to pick up the essentials. I wasn't even halfway through the list when some jerk crashed into me.

"What the hell are you doing in a grocery store? Single men don't cook." I was stereotyping. Sue me.

Jacob scoffed, "Who told you that shit?"

"You're stalking me, aren't you?" I asked. "I swear, you let a guy into your pants one time and--"

"Two times," he corrected me arrogantly.

I was about to make a snappy retort when my damn phone rang. It was Bella. "Ness can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message after the beep. Beep."

"_Get your ass over here. We've got a campout to crash." _

"Damn," I whispered. I wasn't done shopping, but I wasn't one to pass up something like this either. "I'll be right there." I hung up and thrust the list into Jake's hand. "I've gotta go help Bella. Will you get the rest of that stuff for me? I'll pay you back when I get home."

He opened his mouth to argue, but eventually let out an aggravated groan instead.

"Thanks Jake," I smiled before sprinting out of the store. I rushed home to change and grab some essentials, including a fire extinguisher. If we were going to cause trouble, someone needed to put the damn campfire out.

When I got there, the Cullen women and my sister were ready for business. I ended up in the backseat of Bella's truck between Rosalie and Alice. "Would either of you like to tell me why we're doing this?" I liked to have a motive every now and then.

"We're giving the men a taste of their own medicine," Rose explained. "They're going to try and scare the boys, but we're going to get them instead."

"We need to make sure Leo and Ethan know it's us. I don't want them to be scared," said Esme.

Bella parked the truck. I had no clue where we were, so I just went with the flow. I wouldn't be able to get lost since Alice was holding onto my arm. "You're not afraid of the dark, are you?" I asked teasingly.

"Hell no," she whispered. "I'm wearing heels, and this ground is too soft. I don't want to risk breaking my neck."

"Why are wearing heels, woman?" I laughed.

"They went with the outfit," she replied.

Esme shushed us as we got closer to the campsite. We all hid in the bushes listening to Emmett tell some crazy ass story about a lake monster. It brought out the artist in me. "How opposed are you ladies to getting wet?" I whispered. He wanted a lake monster; I'd give him a lake monster.

The Cullen women snuck around to get to the water, leaving Bella and I to enjoy story time. "Don't worry," Edward told the nervous boys. "The monster is afraid of fire. As long as the campfire burns, it'll stay away." I looked down at the fire extinguisher in my hands and smiled.

There was a shrieking noise that even made me shudder. I didn't know how Alice made a sound that was so inhuman. She did a great job freaking out her husband though. "What was that?" Jasper asked, getting to his feet.

After a loud splash, the other men stood beside him. "I'm sure it's nothing," said Emmett, sounding a little uneasy. The women continued with the splashing.

"Boys, stay here. We'll go check it out," said Edward. They headed down to the lake, some looking braver than others.

"Let's go," Bella whispered, rushing over to the boys. She briefed Ethan and Leo on the situation while I put out the fire. I was feeling kind of James Bondish at the moment.

Leo and Ethan screamed like champs as we raced out of sight. "Shit! What the hell is going on?" Emmett shouted.

"The fire went out! The lake monster's coming!" Leo yelled convincingly. That kid should be an actor.

"I made that up," Emmett argued.

More shrieks and splashing caused them all to flinch. I was doing everything I could not to crack up. "Then what is that?!" Ethan asked.

"Those kids are good," I told Bella.

"I'll find out what's going on," said Carlisle. Leave it to Grandpa to be the hero. Come to think of it, he was really too hot to be someone's grandfather. "Edward, maybe you should stay with the boys."

"Maybe we should just go," said Emmett. Someone didn't like the lake monster so much anymore.

Jasper shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You can stay with the boys too."

"I'm going to help the others." I figured they would need my assistance. This could have been avoided if they had married scrawny men instead.

Carlisle and Jasper had just been knocked into the lake. It was hilarious to watch because they still hadn't figured out that it was their wives who were pulling them under. Rosalie saw me. "Emmett's coming! You grab one side. I'll get the other."

It took both of us to get that beast in the water. He screamed like a woman. He was about to drown us when Rosalie started laughing. "Emmett wait! It's just us."

"You're dead!" He grabbed one of us under each arm and pushed us under the water.

"Cullen! You better put me down," Bella shouted. She was about to join us in the lake whether she wanted to or not.

The crazy folks were no longer screaming. They were wrestling and laughing like maniacs, so I got out of there.

"Want a s'more?" Leo asked when I got back to the tents. The three of us got the fire going again. It felt nice. That water was freezing.

"This was a great camping trip," said Ethan, and Leo nodded his head happily.

"You guys are nuts," I replied.

Eventually, the crazy adults came out of the water, and we went our separate ways. I was about to get on my bike to go home when Bella stopped me. "Try and stay out of trouble, okay?"

"Where would the fun in that be?" I smiled. I kissed her on the cheek and took off.

After parking the bike, I hadn't been inside two minutes when the doorbell rang. I opened the door to find Jake. "Here's your damn groceries." He brushed past me, carrying the bags into the kitchen. He started putting the cold stuff in the fridge, so I went through the rest of the bags.

I pulled out a box of poptarts. "These weren't on the list." I still had plenty in my stash.

"I know," he fussed. "How could you not have poptarts on a grocery list?" he asked incredulously.

Damn. Round three.

**

* * *

JPOV (the next day)**

Satan was sort of beautiful when she was asleep. Her hair was a wild mess, but it was nice because I was the reason for it. She groaned and rolled over, flopping her arm over my chest. _Damn_. That caused her to wake up.

"Did you know you snore?" she asked groggily.

"Did you know you hog the covers?" I replied. It was a good thing I'm a hot-natured guy or I would have frozen to death.

"Next time, bring your own damn covers," she grumbled. She pushed herself up, using my chest. "I'm going to bake a cake."

I sat up. "You might want to put some clothes on, genius. Naked cooking is dangerous."

"I've still got clothes in the kitchen," she replied as though it were my fault. _She _was the one who jumped _me _that time, and over some damn poptarts no less. I at least came to my senses long enough to get her to the bedroom. I didn't think Bella would appreciate us going at it in her kitchen.

I got out of bed and snatched my boxer shorts off her wall. I guess she wasn't kidding about that after all. Once I was halfway dressed, I went to the kitchen in search of my shirt. I found it. Only someone else was already wearing it. "Why are you wearing my clothes?"

Nessie was mixing cake batter in a large bowl. "You ripped mine."

I grabbed a package of poptarts out of the box and ripped it open. "Thanks for breakfast." I took a bite and headed back to my house to get showered and dressed for the day.

I had a pretty relaxing morning. I took a shower, read the newspaper, and watched a little TV. I ignored calls from Dad, Rebecca, and Rachel, knowing good and well they were only calling to talk about the pain in the ass next door.

"Jake!" Nessie shouted from outside. I groaned and went to see what the hell she wanted. "Could you bring this to Ethan's party, please?" She set the cake box on the hood of the cruiser. "Thanks," she smiled, got on her bike, and left.

"Son of a--" I raked my hands through my hair before grabbing my keys and little Ethan's gift. I put the cake in the car and went after the delinquent, passing Bella's truck on the way.

When I pulled up to Cullen's house, I saw Nessie already talking to him. I got out of the car and slammed the door. She smiled at me. "If you could put that in the kitchen, that would be great!" I flipped her off and got the cake out of the car. I was on my way inside when she ran after me. "Stop being such an ass!"

Esme was nice enough to take the cake out of my hands. I turned to face the devil. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" I asked tensely.

"I could use some punch," Nessie answered teasingly.

"Don't make me throw you in the pool," I growled.

"You'd like that wouldn't you," she replied softly, taking a step towards me, "seeing me all wet."

I felt my cock twitch. Traitor. "Only if I'm drowning you," I argued, but she just laughed.

"Surprise!" Everyone shouted as Ethan came outside.

"Dwyer, you're on face painting duty," said Rosalie, handing her a palette.

"Cool," said Nessie. "Want me to do yours first?"

"Hell no," Rosalie answered.

"What about you, Officer Goodbody?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No way. Go find your sister. I'm sure she'll let you do it."

To my surprise, Nessie actually did what I suggested. "Bella!" she shouted across the crowd as she worked her way over.

"I hope she doesn't paint anything obscene," said Rosalie. She should have known better than to give that girl paint.

I moved off to the side a little, so I could see where she went. She was smiling and laughing with Bella. The two of them must have been a handful growing up before they turned into these beautiful, but crazy young women. "See something you like?" someone asked, catching me off guard.

Shit. It was Edward. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. "I promise I wasn't checking out your woman."

"I know," he smiled. "You were checking out her sister." _Shit!_

I didn't think anyone would notice that either. However, I needed to talk to someone about it. Who better than Edward? I'm sure Bella was a pain in the ass at times, too. "She's driving me crazy. One minute I want to strangle her and the next… well…" I was at a kid's birthday party. Some things couldn't be elaborated.

"I've heard," he replied. Say what? I gaped at him. How the hell had he heard? "Well you two weren't exactly quiet."

My mouth replied without running it by my brain first. "Which time?"

He smirked. "I didn't know there was one more than one." I couldn't help but groan. Me and my big mouth. "You really took those full body searches to the next level, didn't you?"

"I'm going to get a drink," I replied. I couldn't believe he heard us. That probably meant that Bella did too.

Everyone gathered around to watch the birthday boy blow out his candles. I fixed a couple of cups of punch and went over to stand next to the devil. I handed her a cup. "What did you do to it?" she asked suspiciously.

I rolled my eyes. "Just drink the damn punch."

We managed not to fight as we watched Ethan open his presents. Nessie disappeared into the crowd once to get some cake. She came back with a big ass piece and two forks. "It was the best I could do without getting bitten. These people really like cake."

So, we shared. It was good cake too, the kind you have to hum about. "This," I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to compliment her or not, "is damn good cake."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Don't tell anyone I made it though. Ignorance is bliss," she said, taking another bite.

"Edward and Bella heard us," I confessed, causing her to choke. I reached up and patted her back. "Just thought you'd like to know."

"They don't think we like each other, do they?" Nessie asked. That thought seemed to bother her more than them knowing that we'd had sex.

I shook my head. "Who the hell would think that?"

* * *

**AN: Hello! We're getting closer to the end of the BS:K parts, and I'll be honest. I have no idea what I'm going to write about after that. Nessie has to go to college, so we'll get to see how Jake deals with that. This story isn't going to be a long one, since it was orginally meant to be just Jake and Nessie outtakes, but I don't mind adding a few new scenes to the end. You can leave requests if you'd like. I can't promise to fit them all in the story, but I'll see what I can do. Review for a preview of Chapter 7. Thanks for reading!  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**NPOV**

When Bella came storming into the office, I pointed her in the right direction. I didn't even get to eavesdrop because I was actually working for a change. I found out what was going on later from Emmett, and I was beyond pissed. The bastard that knocked up my sister and abandoned her just showed up at her doorstep. I would kill him. I was going to cut off his measly balls. You don't mess with my sister.

I was taking my anger out on the chicken I was fixing for dinner. I know I've repeatedly said that I don't cook for anyone, but desperate times call for desperate measures or whatever.

"How the hell did you get in my house?" Jacob asked as he stormed into the kitchen.

"Hi Jake," I smiled. "Did you have a nice day at work?"

He threw his keys on the bar. "Answer the damn question before I arrest you for breaking and entering."

"I found your spare key," I explained. He didn't need to know that I had been spying on him from my bedroom.

"So you just decided to come on in and raid my kitchen?" he asked incredulously.

"No, silly," I replied. "I'm cooking you dinner because I need a favor, and I was hoping to butter you up first."

"Whatever it is, no," said Jake. I ignored him and put the chicken back in the oven for a few more minutes. Then, I waited. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "Alright, what is it?" That was too easy.

For his troubles, I fixed us both a plate and sat next to him at the bar. "What do you know about Leo's dad?"

"Not much," he answered with a shrug.

That was understandable. It wasn't one of Bella's favorite topics, and Jake didn't seem like the type to pry. "Bella had a little too much fun at a masquerade ball, and nine months later, little Leo popped out. The problem is she had no idea who the masked dude was." The mysterious shit sounds hot, but it's a pain in the ass when you miss a period. "The guy never came forward," I paused for dramatic effect, "until now. He left Bella's masquerade mask at the house, so Alice put up surveillance cameras to catch him if he came back. Bells and Leo went to Eddie's house, so that leaves me and you on stakeout duty."

He stared at me for a moment. I was kind of waiting for him to try and kick me out, but he shocked the hell out of me. "Okay."

"What?" Okay?

"But you have to listen to me," said Jacob. "If the bastard shows up, you can't just go running after him."

"Can I shoot him?" I asked.

He shook his head. Damn. "I'll let you tase him though."

This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

For the first part of the stakeout, Jake and I were in his dark utility room where the small window had a great few of Bella's front door. I had my binoculars, and he sat next to me on the dryer with a plate in his hand. "You know, Satan, you're a pretty good cook."

"Thanks," I replied absently. A car was pulling up at Tanya's, so I wasn't paying him too much attention. "Oh my God," I slapped his arm. "Look! It's the tattoo artist!"

"What?" he snatched the binoculars to see for himself. "That's Lauren! I thought she was with Crowley. Do you think they switched teams?"

I cockily buffed my nails on my shirt. "I turned them both."

"You should be more careful with those powers, Nessie," he replied sarcastically.

"I promise to only use them for good," I said, holding up my right hand.

The two possible lesbians didn't embrace or fill each other up or anything, so their sexual orientations were still debatable. "I'm going to get us some chairs. This dryer is starting to hurt my ass," said Jacob.

"Maybe you should do a load of whites or something too," I suggested. If the creepy baby daddy didn't show up, at least we would have accomplished something. Jake shook his head and left the room.

Moments later he returned with a recliner. "I don't think both of them are going to fit. If you can control yourself, we'll share this one." He set it down in front of the window.

I scoffed, "Me? You started it the first two times, and the poptart sex was a fluke." I plopped down on his lap. There wasn't enough room for me to squeeze in beside him. Officer Goodbody was a big guy.

"If you hadn't groped me at the football game, I would have been able to control myself better in your room," he replied.

"Excuses, excuses," I waved him off. After a few moments, I started to get a little jittery. "This isn't as fun as it looks in the movies. I'm kind of bored."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Why don't you crash in one of the bedrooms? I'll keep watch."

"No way! You're not taking down the bad guy without me." I cooked dinner. I should at least get to tase someone. I wasn't leaving no matter how sleepy I was. I was young. I could handle it.

Maybe not.

I woke up sometime later with Jake's hand rubbing my arm and my head lying comfortably on his chest. "Why did you let me go to sleep?" I grumbled.

"You're nicer that way," he replied. Jerk. "You haven't missed anything. I don't think he's going to show tonight."

"Oh," I yawned. "Wake me up if he does." I made myself comfortable and went back to sleep.

The next time I woke up, Jacob was shaking me. "I think we've got him."

I practically jumped out of his lap to get to the window. "Shit," I whispered. "I know that guy. His name is James. He hung out with Bella in high school."

"Take this," said Jake, handing me his taser gun. "Just… don't accidentally shoot me with it, okay? It hurts like hell."

I felt pretty badass charging out of the house gripping the gun with Jake beside me. "Freeze scumbag!" I shouted in my best authoritative voice. The pussy ran for it. I completely forgot my promise to Jacob and took off after him. There was no way that piece of shit was getting away.

Jake was a quick thinker though. He grabbed one of his tools and flung it at James, taking him down temporarily and giving me enough time to catch up. He started to get up, but I dropkicked the bastard. It was beyond awesome.

"I told you not to run after him," Jake growled, jogging over to cuff the douche bag.

"My bad," I replied.

Alice pulled up minutes later with a DVD in her hand. "I'm sending this in to _Cops_. You guys were awesome." She called Edward and Bella while Jacob set things up for the interrogation. He even let me hold his nightstick.

Bella and Edward got there shortly after, and things took an interesting turn.

James wasn't Leo's father. He was just a creepy bastard who used to stalk my sister. He had even watched her and the mystery dude going at it. Now, he was dating the bitch who possible lesbian Tanya hit with a car, but the bitch told the creep that Bella did it, so he was trying to scare the shit out of her. My mind needed a break. "Jake, tase him."

"Untie him," said Edward. "I'm gonna kick his ass."

I don't know why Bella went upstairs. She was going to miss the good part. As soon as Jacob untied him, James dove for Edward. Of course, Edward wasn't a dumb ass. He was expecting that, so he used James's momentum to slam him into the wall. "You and Victoria deserve each other," said Edward. James didn't hear anything. The sucker was out cold. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping the fight would last a little longer.

I turned to Jake. "Can I still tase him?"

* * *

**JPOV (later that day)**

After taking the creep to the station and taking care of work for the day, I headed home to find cars in both mine and Bella's driveways. Esme was getting things out of her car, so I jogged over to help her. "Did I miss something?" I asked.

"No, you're just in time," Esme replied, handing me a dish. "Alice suggested we have the family dinner here. Apparently, Bella has a ball pit in her basement. Thank you for helping me."

"You're welcome," I replied. My momma raised me right.

When we got inside, Rosalie took the stuff out of my hands. "I told the dads to keep the kids out of trouble, but now I need someone to keep the dads out of trouble. Do you have your gun?"

I saw what she meant when I got to the basement. Leo and Ethan cheered as Edward and Jasper tossed them around in the pit. They all greeted me when they saw me. I sat down next to little Nathaniel on the steps. "How's it going?" He handed me a blue ball. "What's this for?"

"Daddy," he smiled. Then he threw the ball at Emmett.

"Oh, he got me!" Emmett went down, causing his son to giggle.

"Okay, now we're ready!" Nessie announced from behind me. Sophie was beside her, wearing Leo's football helmet.

"Jump Sophie!" Leo shouted.

She held onto the helmet and hopped off the closest step. Edward caught her and swung her around.

Somehow, all of the adults ended up in the ball pit. When Bella got home, there was an even number so they wanted to play a game. That's how I ended up with Nessie on my shoulders.

"We need to go for blondie and the beast first. If we can take them down, we can beat anybody," said Nessie.

Apparently, everyone else had the same idea, and Emmett and Rosalie were down in no time. It turned into Alice and Jasper vs. Esme and Carlisle and Bella and Edward vs. me and my delinquent.

"Nessie, no!" Bella shouted. She was trying to keep her younger sister from sticking her finger in her ear. We all knew she hated that, but Nessie was fighting dirty.

I don't know how it happened, but both Ness and Bella were knocked into the pit when Esme and Carlisle snuck up on us. "Nice try girls," said Esme. Edward looked at me and shrugged. Neither of us had seen that one coming.

"We should be ashamed," said Nessie. "I blame Jake."

"Yeah, it was totally Edward's fault too," said Bella.

They were full of shit, so Carlisle called them on it. "Well why don't you let Nessie on your shoulders, Bella? We'll give you girls another chance."

"I think it's time for dinner." Bella got out of there.

"I can't believe you let us get beat by the grandparents," I told Nessie as we walked up the stairs to get to the dining room.

"If anyone asks, we let them win," she replied.

Dinner was a normal affair. There was a lot of talking and teasing. Sophie helped me eat my ice cream, so Nessie had to go find her a blanket. The poor kid's teeth were chattering, but she was still smiling.

"Isabella Swan!" Nessie shouted from Bella's room. She came storming into the room with some type of box. "You've got some explaining to do. Wanna tell me what you're doing with a motion censored mouse?"

Bella ended up going home with Edward to avoid the devil's wrath. After everyone pitched in to clean up, they headed home. I was about to leave myself when I heard glass shatter in the kitchen. "Shit!" Nessie cursed.

I rolled my eyes and went to check on her. "What did you do?"

She was holding her finger and bouncing up and down. "The damn plate bit me."

"Stop dancing around. You're gonna cut your foot." I reached over and caught her by the waist. I picked her up and set her on the counter before getting a towel for her finger. "Give it here, woman."

"It's fine," she replied, shielding it from me.

I took her hand anyway. It was just a small cut, but those things always sting, so I found her a band-aid. Then I found the broom to sweep up the glass, making sure I got it all. "I'm going home now. Do you any other dishes you'd like to throw before I leave?"

She was still on the counter, staring at me and holding her now bandaged finger. "Why did you help me?"

Her question caught me off guard. Why the hell _did _I help her? She was the bane of my existence. Seeing her dance around like a little kid with a hurt finger should have been entertaining, but I didn't think twice about going to the rescue. "Anybody would have," I replied lamely. "See you later." I got out of there before she could ask anything else.

I ended up sitting in the utility room again, watching Bella's house. Nessie was in the front yard playing with Shredder. When I heard the glass break, I didn't even think about teasing her until I knew she was alright. What the hell was wrong with me?

My phone started ringing. "Hello?"

"_Either get out here or go to bed. You're creeping me out." _

I moved closer to the window to see Nessie holding a phone to her ear. She was looking right at my window. "I tried going to bed. You were making too much noise," I lied.

"_You sound bored. Do you want me to streak, so you can arrest me for indecent exposure?" _

"Go to bed, Nessie," I replied, trying my hardest not to picture her naked.

For a minute, I thought she was going to go inside. She opened the gate and let Shredder into Bella's backyard. My eyes widened when she pulled her shirt over her head. She was really going to do it. I made it outside before she could drop her shorts. "Get. In. The. House," I growled.

"Suit yourself," she shrugged and headed for the door.

I grabbed her arm. "Not yours." I pulled her into my house instead.

We barely made it inside before I had her out of those shorts and pressed against the front door. "You know, this isn't very comfortable."

I unbuckled my belt and shoved my pants to the floor. "Do you really care?"

"No, just making conversation," she replied, being her pain in the ass self.

"Don't." I thrust into her with a groan.

Her legs wrapped around me, pulling me closer. "Jake," she whimpered as I had her hard against the door.

"Shut up, Nessie," I replied, knowing she was going to say something to send me over the edge before I was ready.

"But I…" she gasped. "I wanted to…" I covered her mouth with mine, kissing the hell out of her and hoping she would forget what she wanted to say. "Thank you," she panted, "for earlier." I stopped all movement, her sweet words catching me off guard "Dammit Jake, if you stop now, I'll kill you."

I shook myself out of it, pounding myself into her again.

Her release triggered my own. I wrapped my arms around her and brought her away from the wall. We were both breathing heavily; I could feel the warmth of her breath against my neck. "I should get home, so you can go to bed," said Nessie.

My arms instinctively tightened their hold. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want her to go. "Stay," I said quietly.

She did.

* * *

**AN: This chapter originally didn't have a lemon, but I figured you guys might get irritated if I kept fading to black, so I snuck in a little one at the last minute. Moving on, a lot of things that happened in the final chapters of Bella Swan: Kidnapper, Jake and Nessie were there for. I'm not a fan of rewriting scenes, so I hope you guys don't mind if I just mention those and add some new ones. Thanks for bearing with me. Reviewers get a preview. Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**NPOV**

The pranks got out of control. After finding out that Edward and Bella were responsible for the great mouse and closet debacle, I tricked them into going to an orgy part. I wasn't completely horrible though. I did help baby-sit the munchkins with that jerk Felix and my bitchy friend Leah. She was in town to get me and the ladies out of jail, the result of another prank. Oddly enough, I think going to college would be a break from the craziness.

I grabbed my bag and headed out to my bike. I had plans to get my schedule and get everything set up on to live on campus. I was going to miss living with Bella. The neighborhood had really grown on me.

"Where are you going?" Jake asked as I locked the front door.

"School," I answered. "I'm going to check in. Classes start next Wednesday."

"The campus is almost an hour away," he replied.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I kinda knew that already." He looked a bit put out. "Are you okay?"

Whatever his problem was, he snapped out of it. "Yep." I went to grab my helmet. "Why don't you let me drive you? I need to head out that way anyway. We should probably save on gas."

"Okay," I said slowly. There was something off about him today.

"I'll just… go get my keys," Jake said awkwardly.

He was acting weird again. He had his moments ever since I spent the night at his house. We had slept in the same bed before, but that was the first time I ever woke up snuggled against him. I didn't hate it.

"Ready?" he asked, locking up.

I climbed into the front seat of his Mustang. It was still dark enough outside that Jake had to turn on the lights. "What were you doing up so early?"

He didn't answer right away. "Uh… well, I was supposed to have duty this morning, but Embry traded with me. Do you want some breakfast?"

"Sure," I replied, still wondering what the hell was going on.

We grabbed something at a drive-thru, so we could make it to the campus in time. Jake turned the radio up; I was pretty sure he did that so we wouldn't have to talk. We were almost there when _Jailhouse Rock_ started playing. He quickly shut it off.

"Jake," I pouted teasingly. "That was _our_ song."

"That's why I turned it off," he replied.

I smiled. "You say the sweetest things." He reached over to mess up my hair, so I had to swat his hand away.

When we finally got to the campus, Jake walked with me to wait in line. "I think you turned another one," he mumbled.

I glanced over my shoulder to see what he was talking about. There was a pretty girl with curly brown hair staring in our direction, only she wasn't looking at me. She was checking out Jacob. _My _Jacob. I pulled out my blade.

"Nessie, what the hell?" Jacob took it from me, slipping it into his pocket. "You can't just whip that thing out anywhere." He put his hand on my back and gently pushed me forward as the line moved. I looked at the girl again, smirking a little when I saw her irritation.

"Name?" the woman behind the computer asked.

"Satan Dwyer," Jacob answered without missing a beat.

I elbowed him. "_Renesmee _Dwyer," I corrected. That asshole was going to have everybody calling me Satan.

The woman looked a little confused. "I'm sorry, can you…" she trailed off, seeming embarrassed.

Of course. Damn that Renee. "R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e," I had to spell it out for her with Jacob chuckling quietly beside me.

"Thank you," she smiled, typing away with her freakishly long fingernails. How she typed with those claws, I had no idea. The woman had skills. She pulled out a folder and passed it to me. "Everything is in order. All you have to do is check in at the dorms, get your student ID, and sign up for a post office box. You have a map, your schedule, and the student handbook in that folder. Don't lose them. Have a good day. Next!"

"Wow," said Jacob as we walked away. "I wonder how many times she's said that today."

I had my picture taken for my ID and sorted out the P.O box thing in the same building. That was convenient. However, looking at the map, I realized my dorm was clear across the massive campus. "Shit," I groaned. There were too many people on campus, so driving would be too much of a hassle. We were going to have to walk.

"What?" Jake asked, looking over my shoulder. "Why don't you pretend you're running from the cops? You'll get there in no time."

I pouted. "It's too damn early for that."

"Get on, you big baby," said Jake, turning and stooping down, so I could climb on his back. He could call me names if he wanted. I didn't care as long as my ass didn't have to walk, so I hopped on.

"Now, this is the way to travel," I commented as he walked. "You should come to college with me, so I won't have to break in a new guy."

"I'll buy you a bicycle," he replied. That could work. It was eco-friendly.

The dorms were nice. I was lucky enough to get a room on the first floor, so I didn't have to deal with stairs. I wasn't usually a morning a person, so walking up and down steps to go to classes while I'm half asleep could be hazardous to my health.

I was going to check out the room, so I could see what all I needed to bring, when I met my roommate. "Hi!" she said buoyantly. "I'm Bree. You must be Renesmee. I'm so excited to meet you." I froze when I noticed the pom poms on her bed. My roommate was a cheerleader. "Is this your boyfriend?" I was too stunned to answer.

"I'm Jake," he told her, shaking her hand.

"It was nice to meet you both. I've got to get to practice. I'll text you, okay?" Bree practically bounced out of the room.

"I have to change rooms. If I stay with her, I'll pick up drinking again," I said. The only cheerleaders I knew were perky and giggly and destined to have me throw something at them for cheering me a good morning.

Jacob shook his head. "The school has counselors. We'll go meet one of them, so if you start to slip, someone will be here to talk you through. Either that or you can call me or Bella. One of us will come kick your ass."

How sweet. I decided to meet the counselor just in case.

"It's open," the voice called from the office.

Jake was waiting outside this time, so I was on my own. I was expecting some old dude with a suit to be behind the desk, so imagine my surprise when the hottie in jeans and a vintage tee shirt greeted me instead.

"Hello. I'm Nahuel," he smiled. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm a recovering alcoholic slash druggie, and I just found out my roommate is a cheerleader. I thought it would be a good idea to meet you just in case I got ready to fall off the wagon," I admitted freely.

We talked for awhile. He was a really nice guy, and his past was freakishly similar to mine, even down to our mothers and their unique tastes in baby names.

"Here's my number," he said, handing me his card as we walked out of the office. "Call me day or night. I'm here for you, alright?" He gave me a quick friendly hug.

"Thank you," I said sincerely.

He stood at the door as I walked towards Jacob. As soon as I reached him, Jake took my face in his hands and crashed his lips against mine. I let out a small squeak of surprise, but he just kissed me harder.

"What was that for?" I asked when he let me go.

"I--" He was looking over my shoulder towards the office door. "I don't like the way that guy was watching you, like you were something to eat. He's too damn old for you anyway."

"I'm pretty sure he's your age," I informed him.

"That's different," he growled. What in the world?

Then it dawned on me. Jacob was jealous. I couldn't help but smile. This was too good to let go. "Why do you care?" I asked simply.

"I don't," he answered quickly. "Let's go. I'm starving."

"Answer the question, Goodbody," I replied.

"Drop it, Satan," said Jacob, walking away from me.

Drop it? Hell no. I ran after him.

**

* * *

JPOV**

I couldn't believe it. I was letting the devil drive my car. It was the only way I could get her to shut up and let shit go. I may have finally admitted to myself that I might possibly have the tiniest bit of feelings for Nessie, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell her.

Realizing that I was going to miss the pain in the ass when she moved into the dorms caused me to drop everything and drive her to the campus. I wanted to see where she was going to be when she wasn't with me.

Now, I was going to have to do everything in my power to make sure she didn't need to see that counselor. If she needed someone, I would be there, even if I had to drive an hour in the middle of the night to get there.

"Let's eat here! I love fish," said Nessie, pulling into a parking lot.

My eyes widened when I realized where we were. "No. I'm allergic to fish. Let's go somewhere else." I wasn't going in that place with her.

She rolled her eyes and shut off the engine. "I saw you eating a fish sandwich the other day, liar. Besides, I'm sure they have other options on the menu." She got out of the car.

"Nessie," I rushed after her. "Seriously, get back in the damn car. We are not eating here."

The bell jingled as she opened the door and strolled inside. I growled and grabbed fistfuls of my hair. I was never going to hear the end of this.

"Jake!" torture smiled from across the room. "I was wondering when you'd get around to visiting your old man."

"Hey Dad," I replied, hugging him when he got close enough.

"Dad?" Nessie smiled. "Is this why you didn't want to eat here, Jacob?"

Shit. "You didn't want to eat here?" Dad frowned, but I could see the amusement in his eyes. The old bastard was getting a kick out of this.

Nessie answered for me. "His exact words were 'Get back in the damn car. We are not eating here.' Personally, I think you have a lovely place here, Mr. Black."

"Call me Billy," he replied, putting his arm around her and leading her towards a table. "You must be Nessie. I've heard all about you."

"Really? How is Rachel doing?" she asked, assuming that's where he got his information. This could only end badly.

"She's fine," said Dad, "but that's not who told me about you." He winked at me as he pulled out a chair for her.

I cut in quickly. "He probably heard about you from Rebecca. Rachel called her right after talking to you." Part of that was true. Hopefully, Dad would take the hint and keep his mouth shut.

"I heard about you from Jake. He talks about you all the time." Maybe not. "I'm glad to know he's got someone keeping him on his toes."

"It's no trouble, Billy," she smiled. "Can you join us for lunch?"

He was more than happy to.

I spent the next several hours defending myself as Nessie told stories of the many times I had cuffed her, making herself seem innocent of course, and Billy told stories of my childhood and teenage years, things that should have been forgiven and forgotten by now.

"At least you were dressed when you were arrested. When I went to the station to pick Jake up, he was butt naked," Billy laughed.

"I was not!" I argued. "I was wearing a towel."

"What was he arrested for?" Nessie asked excitedly, completely ignoring that I had even said anything.

"The high school football team was putting together a calendar. He and some of the guys broke into the school one night for the photo shoot," Dad explained willingly.

Of course, they both started laughing. "It was for a good cause," I said, defending myself. "Our school was too cheap, and we needed new equipment."

Finally, I was able to get them away from each other, but not before they made plans to go fishing once school started. It never occurred to me that Nessie would be living close to my father. With Rachel and Rebecca married and out of the house, he was excited to have someone to look out for.

"Would you tell me about your mom?" Nessie asked as she drove us home.

A smile tugged at my lips any time I thought about Mom. "Her name was Sarah. She was one of those warm and caring people that you just can't help but love." That was true. Everyone loved her. "She could be scary though. When ever I got in trouble, I always preferred to get caught by Dad." I continued to tell her stories about Mom. It felt good to talk about her. I didn't get to do that enough.

Nessie seemed to be hanging on to every word. "She sounds perfect," she said softly.

"She was perfect for us," I replied. "Other people may not think so. She was a bookie when Dad first met her. He lost a lot of money to her and was late on paying her back. She showed up at his house with a blade, and they've been together ever since." Nessie was laughing as I continued, "She gave up her shady business eventually, but that didn't stop her and Dad from constantly betting against each other. Dad used to always tell us how he lost two hundred bucks when Rachel and Rebecca came out girls. He was always losing, but I think he did it to humor her."

Talking about my parents, I realized I didn't know much about Nessie's. She explained how they were never around much, so she didn't have a lot of stories about them. "They really aren't bad people," she insisted surprisingly. "Some people just shouldn't be parents. I can't blame them for the way I turned out. Sure, I would have had a better shot of resisting drugs and shit if they'd been around to offer a little encouragement, but in the end, it was still my decision." She noticed me staring at her. "What?" she asked, shifting a little in her seat.

"Nothing," I replied. "You just didn't strike me as the rational type."

She snorted. "I do irrational shit all the time. I just take responsibility for it. It's another thing I picked up in rehab."

"But you blame me for shit all the time," I reminded her.

She shrugged. "I just do that to get a rise out of you. Pissing you off is a hobby of mine."

I knew it!

* * *

**AN: Nessie teased Jacob about being jealous, but she conveniently forgot about pulling a blade on the brunette in line. Also, I'm allowed to tease cheerleaders. I was one for four years. I promise I wasn't a bitch or a slut like most of the cheerleaders we read about in fanfiction. (There are some of those out there though. I've been tempted to shove a spirit stick up an ass or two, but I digress) Review for a preview of chapter 9. For those of you wanting Jake and Nessie to figure things out, well, it's definitely a step in that direction. Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**NPOV**

"Alright, everything's loaded. Get your ass in the truck!" Bella shouted crassly. It was nice to see the elegant ring on her finger did nothing to affect her personality.

"You said a bad word. You owe me a dollar," said Leo, holding out his hand for the pay-up. He smiled when Bella slapped the money in his hand. "Thank you, Mother." Bella grabbed him and put him in the backseat.

It was kind of a sad day. I was moving out of her house and into the dorm. She told me never to come back, but then she refused to take my key. She was going to miss me as much as I would her whether she admitted it or not.

I got in the truck with the two crazy Swans. We were going to drop Leo off at school on the way out.

"What the hell happened at Jake's?" Bella asked, earning Leo another dollar as we backed out of the garage.

"Looks like someone toilet papered the place," I shrugged, smirking inwardly. I figured it was a goodbye present, something for him to remember me by while I was away.

"I helped!" Leo admitted proudly.

"Dude!" I laughed. "You just ratted us out."

Bella glared at me. "You taught my son to vandalize someone's property without me? I'm his mom. That's a milestone I should be present for." I didn't know who she thought she was kidding. She had Leo causing mischief as soon as the boy could walk.

"You were on the phone with lover boy," I shrugged. "Judging by where your hands were placed, I assumed you were having a good time, so I didn't want to interrupt," I mumbled so only she could hear.

"Liar," she smiled. We both knew if she needed to get off, Eddie would be there in a heartbeat. The sooner those two moved in together, the better.

"We might need more TP, Mom," said Leo, blissfully oblivious to our inappropriate conversation.

When we pulled up to the elementary school, I saw Edward getting Ethan out of his car. Sophie was waving at us from her car seat. I immediately hopped out of the truck to get to her. "Hey short stuff!"

She smiled her beautifully cheesy smile. "Hi Aunt Nessie! I made this for you." She handed me a coloring sheet with an array of different colors that were mostly in the lines.

"This is awesome stuff. Did you color this all by yourself?" I asked enthusiastically.

"Yes ma'am," she answered sweetly. "I'll miss you."

"I'll visit all the time," I promised, "and I'll call you, so you can fill me in on what these people are up to." Sophie was a very reliable source. I kissed her on the forehead, and then she kissed me on the cheek. "I'll miss you too, kid," I admitted.

Next, I had to face the boys. They were rummaging through Ethan's backpack. "Here it is," said Leo, pulling out the sloppily wrapped box.

"We thought you might need these for school," said Ethan. They both watched expectantly as I tore off the paper.

They bought me poptarts.

"You guys," I yanked them both into a hug. Crying went against my badass persona, so I quickly shook it off. It wasn't like I would never see these people again. I was just going to college. "Stay cool, and call me if you get in trouble. I want to hear all about it."

The bell rang, so the boys had to rush off to class.

I was about to get back in the truck when I was stopped by the boss man. Well, technically he wasn't my boss anymore. "This is from Cullen Construction," he said, handing me an envelope.

"You didn't have to get me anything," I told him. To be honest, I was more trouble than I was help as their secretary.

"It's from the whole family," said Edward. "Think of it as a thank you for making our lives even more interesting."

Inside the envelope was a certificate. "What the hell is the Sobriety Scholarship?"

Edward shrugged, "We let Emmett name it. He said spending money on tuition always made him want to drink, so we wanted to take care of that for you. Your tuition is covered."

I didn't know what to say. "Why would you do this for me?"

"Everyone else did it because they know, as crazy as you are, you're going to help a lot of people. They're proud of you," Edward explained. "I chipped in because you're going to be my sister. I might need to hold this over your head someday."

A big ass grin spread across my face, and I kissed him loudly on the cheek. "Thank them for me, will you?"

"I'm not kissing my brothers," he replied, smiling.

"I'll kiss them," Bella volunteered.

"Get out of here," said Edward. "I've got to get Sophie to preschool, and you two need to hit the road. Good luck, Vanessa."

"Thanks Eddie." That Edward was an alright guy. It would have been nice if he had been the one to originally knock up my sister, but then Leo wouldn't be Leo, and we wouldn't have Ethan and Sophie. The world would not be as cool of a place.

On the way to college, Bella ran off the road twice. The first time, a vicious bee got in the truck. I was trying to kill it with my shoe, but I ended up smacking Bella instead. She finally calmed down enough to put the truck in park. That's when I made a run for it. Seriously, she should have been more appreciative of my help. I was trying to save her from getting stung, and she was getting all pissy over a little shoe slap.

The second time happened when we were talking about my good times with Goodbody. I guess I got a little too descriptive because Bella let go of the wheel to cover her ears.

Somehow, we made it to the campus in one piece. We unloaded all of my shit without the help of men because we're tough bitches that way.

"I didn't know I had this much stuff," I admitted, panting a little.

"You didn't," said Bella. "I may have bought you a thing or twenty. I even got you a baseball bat if the cheerleader needs to be sedated." She had gotten the opportunity to meet Bree when we first got there. Honestly, I think the perky bitch was growing on me, but I would definitely keep the bat, just in case.

On top of everything else, Bella filled our dorm room with all the electronic essentials. I wasn't complaining, but I didn't understand why everyone was being so damn nice to me. "Is this so I wouldn't steal your stuff?" I teased.

Bella shrugged. "This is…" she sighed and shook her head. "This is a thank you… for bringing my sister back. I missed you, and I'm proud of you for getting your shit together."

My throat suddenly felt dry for some reason. "Damn," I whispered, rubbing my face. "I got a little something in my eye."

"Yeah, it's kind of dusty out here," said Bella, blinking more than usual. "I better get moving. I've got all those kids to corrupt by myself while you're gone."

"I'll visit soon," I promised. "You know, so you can do my laundry," I joked weakly.

Bella huffed and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing the life out of me. "Do your own damn laundry," she whispered.

We were pathetic, and we would probably make fun of each other about it later. I would only be about an hour away, but living with Bella the past few weeks made me realize how much I had missed out on while I was dealing with my issues. Funny how when I was doing all of that shit, I didn't think it was hurting anyone important.

"I love you, Bell," I croaked. See? Pathetic.

"I love you too, Ness." She kissed my cheek and got in the truck. "Be good. The campus police aren't as hot as Jake."

I watched until the truck disappeared around the corner.

"Renesmee?" a vaguely familiar voice called.

I turned to see the counselor coming my way. "Hey Nahuel."

"All moved in?" he asked, and I nodded. "I've been waiting for you to get here. I was about to go grab a bite to eat, and I was hoping you would join me."

"Are you asking me out?" I asked. Call me stupid, but that's what it seemed like, and I didn't want to beat around the bush

Nahuel smiled.

**

* * *

JPOV**

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, but I wasn't going to pull my bike over to answer it. Whoever it was would just have to wait. When I finally pulled into a parking space, I checked the thing. "Shit." One missed call from Nessie Dwyer. I hit the button to call her back.

"_Tanya's whore house, this is Lauren. How can I get you off today?" _

I couldn't keep from smiling. "Why the hell is their toilet paper all over my house?"

"_Leo did it." _

"By himself?" I asked.

"_He may have had an accomplice, but it would be wrong of me to rat them out." _

"Like you did Leo," I replied.

"_He deserved it. He ratted me out to Bella this morning." _

Gotcha! "Ratted you out for what?"

"_Shit." _

I laughed. "Why were you calling me anyway? You haven't even been gone a day." There was silence on the other end. "Nessie?"

"_I'm not really sure. I'm feeling all confused."_

"What's wrong?" I was instantly concerned.

"_Nahuel asked me out." _

I knew that bastard was checking her out. My phone nearly crumbled in my grip. "And?" I asked tensely.

"_I told him no. It didn't feel right." _

My body relaxed then. "Oh, that's good. I mean… yeah." I sounded like a moron. "What are you doing now?"

_"I'm heading out. I'm starving, so I thought I would go to the fish house. Billy and I can catch up."_

She was trying to get a reaction out of me, but I didn't answer. I just waited.

Nessie nearly dropped her phone when she saw me sitting in the parking lot. "What are you doing here?"

I shrugged and put my phone away. "You forgot to say goodbye." Yeah, I was whipped, but she didn't need to know how much. I kept the fact that I missed her already to myself. I offered her my spare helmet. "Still hungry?"

"Hell yeah," she smiled. She put on the helmet and climbed on behind me. When her arms were wrapped tightly around me, I sped off.

"Well, what do we have here?" Dad asked with a cheeky grin. I rolled my eyes as he pulled Nessie into a hug. He just winked at me.

"I just moved into the dorms, but I'm not ready to face cafeteria food yet," said Nessie.

He chuckled and looked at me, "What about you, son? Who, I'm sorry, _what _brings you out here today?"

"Just missed you, Dad," I replied dryly.

"Sure," he laughed. "It's a nice evening. Can I interest you two in a table on the deck? It's got a nice view of the lake."

"Sounds great," said Nessie.

"Then, by all means," he replied, taking her by the arm like some type of damn escort.

Coincidentally, Dad couldn't join us this time. He claimed they were short staffed, so he needed to help in the kitchen. It was bullshit, but I didn't call him on it.

Nessie was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something, so I obliged. "You pain in the ass."

Her eyes widened. I guess she was expecting something different. "What did I do?"

I pulled a wad of toilet paper out of my jacket pocket and handed it to her. "You left this at my house."

"I didn't want you to forget me while I was gone," she laughed.

"Trust me," I replied. "I couldn't forget you if I wanted to."

"Do you?" she asked, her laughter dying down, but still dancing in her eyes.

"Do I what?" I had no clue what she was asking me.

"Do you want to forget me?" she replied.

We sat there quietly for a minute. Then I finally shook my head. "No," I admitted. "I don't want to forget you."

It was quiet again. I wish I knew what the hell she was thinking.

"Then you should get my name tattooed on your ass," said Nessie.

"What?" I laughed. "No way." The girl was crazy.

"Come on, Jake," she replied with a teasing grin. "We were meant to be. Remember the wolves? We're practically mates."

"Where do you come up with this shit?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm full of it," she said proudly.

I somehow made it through the night without getting her name tattooed on my ass, but my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. I don't know how I went from wanting to shoot someone, to wanting to pound the shit out of them, to wanting to grab them and not let go.

Before we left, Dad promised to always have good food for Nessie whenever she needed it. She had the old man wrapped around her evil little finger.

When we got to the school, she climbed off the bike, giving me back the helmet. Even though neither of us said it, we both knew I would be back. Before I could tell her goodbye, Nessie softly brushed her lips against mine. Any other time, I would have found us a dark corner, but something about this kiss stunned the hell out of me.

"What was that for?" I asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I felt like it."

* * *

**AN: They had a nice moment. Now, I'm ready for them to fight again. I think their relationship needs a good healthy mixture. Reviewers will get a preview of chapter ten. Thanks for reading!  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**NPOV**

It was a typical college day. I went to my classes, sort of paid attention, and went back to my dorm room to help Bree with the latest scheme. I didn't think we would ever have anything in common until I learned about her love of college pranks. Bree was extreme when it came to school spirit, and any school that challenged us deserved to be punished in her eyes.

Together, we had decorated campuses, broke into locker rooms, and kidnapped mascots of all shapes and sizes. Trying to steal that bear would go down in history as one of the dumbest moments of our lives. The city was not happy when they found out the damn thing was running loose downtown. No one seemed to care that it was running after us! We made the evening news with that one. Even though we were wearing masks, Bella still called to tell me how stupid that was. I was a little insulted that she automatically assumed the idiot on television was me. It was, but that's not the point.

Back to the drama at hand, I was getting ready to head out with Bree, but she kept insisting that I try her smoothie. Finally, I drank the damn thing, so she would shut up about it. It wasn't anything special, so I didn't see the big deal.

We got in her tiny little car, heading off campus. We weren't far away when I started to feel sleepy. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I grumbled. That's when I noticed the guilty expression on my roommate's face.

"I'm sorry, Ness," she said quickly. "They said it was for your own good."

"Who? What in the world is going on?" I demanded. The crazy bitch drugged me. Before she could answer, I blacked out.

I don't know how long I had been out, but I woke in a dark room tied to a chair. "Shit," I whispered. This was a slasher movie waiting to happen.

"Nessie?" someone behind me grunted.

"_Jake_?!" I couldn't see, but I would know his voice anywhere. He was the bane of my existence who I happened to kind of be in love with, but I'm pretty sure no one knew that last part. "Fancy meeting you here."

"We're tied up in some dungeon, and that's all you have to say?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, I can't very well talk about the weather. There are no windows in this shit hole," I replied. I can't believe he was starting with me at a time like this. "How are we going to get out of here?"

"Hold on," he growled.

I shrieked when the asshole suddenly rocked his chair. Since we seemed to be tied back to back, both of our chairs tipped over. We hit the ground hard enough that the damn things broke. I think my arm cracked with them. "Son of a bitch," I groaned. "You should warn a girl before you do something like that."

"I told you to hold on," he argued. Once he was rope free, he helped me sit up. "Are you okay?" he asked, sounding much nicer now.

"Peachy," I answered sarcastically. "I should have known the bitch would go crazy. All those spirit fingers finally made her snap."

"What are you talking about?" Jake asked.

"Bree!" Duh. "The girl who drugged me and brought me here."

He ran his fingers gently into my hair. I guess he was looking for injuries or something, and I had no idea how I ended up in his lap or how long I had been there. "Quil and Embry did the same to me. The bastards kept apologizing, saying it was for my own good."

"That's what she said!" I exclaimed.

"I don't know what the hell is going on, but we need to get out of here," said Jake. I couldn't have agreed more. However, Getting out was easier said than done. The door wouldn't budge, and we kept running into shit until Jake finally found a light. "What the--" he looked around at the different boxes. "We're in the storeroom at the fish house!"

"Billy had us kidnapped?" There was no way. That man loved me.

Jake was glaring at something. "I don't think he worked alone." He snatched the piece of paper off the door. "You want out? Kill each other or admit you're in love. You're driving us all crazy." he read.

"No way," I took the letter from him. "Normal people don't this kind of shit in real life."

"Since when do we consider our families normal?" Jake reminded me. He tried to get the door opened again, slamming into a few times. Nothing worked. "We might as well get comfortable. I don't think they're going to let us out for awhile."

I groaned and slid down against the wall. Jake found us some chips to munch on and a massive bottle of water. We didn't have glasses, so we just took turns drinking out of the bottle. "This reminds me of our first date. Only, I was the only one being held against my will, and we had pizza instead of chips."

"That wasn't our first date," Jake argued. "That was the night I arrested you for prank calling the police station."

"You call it whatever you want. When our kids ask, I'm telling them that was our first date." There was no point in him arguing with me over it.

"Kids?" His face had the lovely panicked look about it.

I rolled my eyes. "I was kidding. I'm not knocked up or anything." Then I got a little defensive. "Why are you so freaked out anyway? Am I not good enough to be your baby mama?"

"I don't think the world is ready for either of us to reproduce," he admitted. "Why? Do you _want _me to get you pregnant?"

"Hell no," I replied. "It's hard enough hiking that campus _without _a bun in the oven." He was shaking his head, but I could tell he was fighting a smile. I sighed and crumbled the paper into a ball. "What could possible make them resort to this? We haven't been that bad."

Jacob disagreed. "We do fight a lot, and we're never really quiet about it either. It's usually your fault though. I don't know why they had to drag me into this."

"My fault?" I scoffed. "I don't know when it happened, but sometime between now and the day I stole your car, you've become a professional pain in the ass."

"I learned from the best," he smirked, bumping into me with his shoulder.

I glared at him. "I still don't see the big deal. We always make up afterward." Hell, that's why I started fights to begin with.

"Alright," said Jake, getting to his feet. "If we're going to get out of here, we better get on with this."

"You don't have your gun, do you?" I asked warily.

"I'm not going to kill you," he replied, helping me up. He held onto my hand, tugging me with him over to the light switch. He flipped it, leaving us in the dark again. "Cover your ears," he warned me before firing a couple of shots.

The man was a genius. It wasn't long before the door was thrown open and a crowd of people frantically rushed in. Jake and I ran out behind them, locking the door behind us.

"I can't believe they really thought you shot me," I laughed.

We were now sitting in the empty restaurant, eating the dinner that our captives had yet to finish. "I know. I'm insulted. Dad knows how much I--" he abruptly shoved a hushpuppy in his mouth.

"How much you what?" I asked. He shook his head. "How much you what, Jake?" No way in hell was I letting that go.

"Shit," he whispered angrily. "Look, this doesn't change anything. Just because I'm in love with you, doesn't mean I won't arrest your ass."

I picked up a dinner roll and threw it at him. "You're in love with me? Why the hell didn't you say so sooner? I could have skipped my make-shift group therapy sessions with the cheerleading squad."

"Why would you need that?" he asked.

"Because apparently, I'm in love with you too, but I have a hard time expressing myself," I replied. We heard a crash from downstairs. "Shit! They got loose."

Jake jumped up. "Let's get out of here." He grabbed my hand, and we ran for it.

**

* * *

JPOV**

After being drugged and kidnapped by my friends and family, I ended up confessing my love to Satan and escaping in a truck that she hotwired.

"Things are going to change," I warned her. It was inevitable.

"How?" Nessie asked, sounding disappointed.

"Well, now when we're fighting and yelling and trying to annoy the shit out of each other, I might slip and say I love you," I confessed.

"But we're still going to fight and yell and annoy the shit out of each other," she replied, just to make sure. I nodded and she sighed. "Good, I was afraid I was going to have to break up with you already."

We were going to suck as a couple.

"Where are we?" Nessie asked when I killed the engine.

"Dad's house," I answered. "I figured someone would give him a ride home since you stole his truck."

Nessie scoffed. "_I _stole his truck? You were the one driving."

"Are you getting out or not? I'm starving, so I'm gonna find something to eat." We didn't really get to eat much at the restaurant.

Using the hidden spare key, I unlocked the door and headed inside. Nessie was close behind me. "This is cozy," she said, looking around. "You get dinner. I'm going to find baby pictures."

I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into the kitchen with me.

I was making us some grilled cheese sandwiches when she peeked over my shoulder. "You're not doing it right."

"Go away," I swatted at her with the spatula.

"They're gonna burn," she sang.

"Nessie," I growled, but it didn't do any good. She kept irritating me about the damn sandwiches. Finally, I handed her the spatula and made her do it.

"Thank you," she said, smiling. I shook my head and made the tomato soup instead.

We ended up eating on the sofa and watching movies. It was nearly impossible to understand what was going on since she kept talking so much. She kept creating her own commentary, half of which didn't make any sense. I eventually had to cover her mouth with my hand, and it was a struggle to keep it there.

I was sitting with Satan in my lap. I had one arm holding her down while the other covered her mouth. She was being unusually still, so I brushed her hair away from her face to see her. The devil had fallen asleep. I shifted her around, so she wouldn't get a crick in her neck, and finished watching the movie.

Billy came home an hour or so later. He walked in the living room with his hand over his eyes.

"What are you doing, old man?" I asked quietly.

He lowered his hand. "I didn't know what I would be walking in on. I love you kids, but there's some things in life I don't need to witness."

I glared at him. "You think we would go at it on your couch?" What kind of people did he think we were?

"You go at it everywhere else," Dad shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "I need to get her home. Then, you and I are going to have a little talk about meddling. Locking us in the storeroom, Dad. Really?"

He sighed, "It's late. Why don't you two spend the night? You can stay in your old room, and we'll talk about this in the morning."

"Fine," I agreed. I stood up, trying not to shuffle Nessie around too much. "Goodnight," I grumbled.

"Goodnight, son," he smiled. As I walked out of the room, I heard him mumbling, "I'll be sure to take out my hearing aids, just in case." Old bastard.

Nessie didn't even stir as I pulled the covers back and placed her on the bed. She had already lost her shoes somewhere downstairs, but I didn't know if she would want to sleep in her clothes or not. I could put one of my shirts on her, but even though I had seen her body several times before, I didn't feel right doing it while she was asleep.

"Ness," I whispered, shaking her gently.

"No," she grumbled, turning over and burrowing into my pillow.

"Do you want one of my shirts to sleep in?" I asked.

She pulled her shirt off and tossed it across the room without even getting up. I had to help her with her pants since she was too lazy to stand up. When she was all situated, I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed beside her. It had been a long day, so I was looking forward to getting some sleep.

When I was just about to doze off, Nessie rolled over. "Jake," she whispered. "You awake?"

"Nope," I grunted.

"That chick on the wall is staring at me, and it's kind of creeping me out," she admitted.

Seriously? She was keeping me awake over a poster? "Don't look at it."

"That won't work. I can feel her looking at me," she insisted.

Grumbling, I got out of the warm, comfortable bed and ripped the damn poster off the wall. Then I got back under the covers. "Happy?"

"Thanks, Jacob," she whispered with a smile in her voice.

"Go to sleep," I replied.

There was silence again.

"Jake."

I knew it was too good to be true. "Yes?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"I feel weird," said Nessie. "I've never slept with you without getting laid first. I feel like I'm getting gypped."

"I'll make it up to you," I promised.

"Okay," she smiled. "Goodnight Goodbody."

I pulled her closer. "Night Satan."

* * *

**AN: I orginally wrote a cheerleading group therapy session, but changed my mind. This was originally supposed to be BS:K outtakes, so someone needed to be kidnapped. If you want to read it though, I'll post it on my blog. There's a link to that on my profile. Just click on the link that says Homepage. Thanks for reading. Reviewers get a preview of chapter 11.**


	11. Chapter 11

**JPOV**

Edward kept bouncing his leg up and down. The man was too damn jittery, and he was making me tense. "Why the hell did I have to come with you? Shouldn't your wife be here for this?"

"We had a Wii boxing match. Loser had to pick up Renee from the airport," he confessed.

Those two _would _use the Wii to make their marital decisions. "That doesn't explain why I'm here."

"You've avoided her long enough," said Edward. "It isn't fair."

I rolled my eyes. "You should take a page out of my book. I say we call her a cab and get the hell out of here."

We were too late.

Renee Dwyer came to the baggage claim with her arms held wide. Phil was at a game or something. Lucky bastard. "Edward!" We stood up, and she wrapped her arms around the poor guy, attempting to squeeze the life out of him. Then she turned to me. "You look familiar. Have we met?"

"He was one of my groomsmen," Edward explained.

"Of course," she smiled. "You're the one I didn't get to dance with. Where did you disappear to?"

"He was probably locked in a closet with Nessie," said Edward. "I'll get your bags." He smiled at me and hurried away.

I was about to grab the asshole, but the damage had already been done. Renee's eyes were the size of saucers. "Are you Officer Goodbody?"

I was going to kill them all, Nessie, Bella, Edward… all of them. "Most people call me Jake," I replied politely.

This was all a setup. Edward brought me with him to keep the attention off himself. I can't believe I fell for this shit. Renee tried to talk my poor damn ears off on the ride home, and he just kept smirking to himself, enjoying this way too much. There was no way I would let him get away with this.

"So how long have you and Renesmee been together?" Renee asked. She actually waited for me to answer this time. Usually, she kept right on babbling.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a good answer for her. "I'm not sure."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, I guess it depends on you definition of together," I explained, willing the car to go faster, so I could get home and escape.

"How long have you been boyfriend and girlfriend?" She acted as thought this were obvious information.

"Oh," I replied. "Then we technically aren't together."

Edward covered a laugh with a pathetically fake cough.

I didn't see the big deal. Nessie and I never really defined our relationship. I knew I loved the delinquent woman more than life, and even though she enjoyed irritating the hell out of me, she loved me too. However, not once had either of us introduced the other as boyfriend or girlfriend. I thought being honest with Renee about it was a good idea.

I was wrong.

"Excuse me?" Renee growled. "So what… are you two just fuck buddies?"

Edward nearly wrecked the car.

The woman was outraged. "How dare you! My daughter may have a rough past. Hell, she may have a police record a mile long, but she deserves better than some pretty boy just looking for a good time and a nice piece of ass."

"Sweet Jesus," Edward whispered. Judging by the redness of his face, he was going to bust if he didn't get to laugh soon. I hoped he would. The bastard would deserve it.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise because Renee continued to rant the entire way home. This was ridiculous. She was a fine one to be preaching to me about what kind of person her daughter deserved. As shitty a mother as she had been, Nessie still loved the woman, so I was keeping my temper in check.

When we got back to Edward's house, I got on my bike and took off, without a word to anyone. If I didn't do something about this, holidays were going to be hell.

Nearly an hour later, I returned with a handful of flowers. I didn't bother knocking. I just strolled right in to where Nessie was already arguing with the crazy woman as Bella sat on the counter eating a pint of ice cream.

"Jake!" Bella smiled when she saw me there. "We were just talking about you." Just like her damn husband, she was enjoying this too much.

I stepped in between the Dwyer woman and got down on my knees in front of Nessie.

"What are you doing?" she asked, looking at me like I was crazy.

This had to be done or neither of us would ever get any peace. "Renesmee, would you be my girlfriend?" I offered her the flowers, feeling like a complete jackass.

Nessie looked much like Edward did in the car. Her lips were pursed tightly together and her shoulders were starting to shake a little.

"Answer the boy, Renesmee," Renee scolded.

She cleared her throat and tried to put on a serious face. She failed miserably. "Yes Jacob."

Bella snorted and Renee sighed happily, "That's more like it."

I stood up to kiss her, glaring at her and daring her to laugh. She smiled and pressed her lips against mine quickly before wrapping her arms around my neck, her mouth near my ear. "You looked like a complete jackass," she whispered. I knew it. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," I replied, squeezing her around the waist. "Ever." She laughed quietly against my shoulder.

"Now," said Renee. Dear Lord, what did she want now? "Bella, what was your news?"

What the hell? Bella had news? This whole embarrassing ordeal could have been avoided if she had spoken up to begin with… some best friend she was.

"Oh nothing," said Bella, hopping off the counter. "I'm just pregnant," she announced nonchalantly as she tried to slip out of the room. She wasn't as smooth as she thought though. Renee squealed and ran after her.

Judging by her reaction, Nessie apparently already knew the baby news. "Come on, boyfriend," she teased, grabbing my hand. "Let's consummate the relationship."

I was still going to kill her later.

As we headed out of the house, I could hear Bella talking to her mother. "At least I was married this time!"

**

* * *

NPOV (a few days later)  
**

"Whose idea was this?" I asked, swatting a damn mosquito away from my face.

"Yours," Jake reminded me.

We were sitting in a row boat in the middle of the damn lake. It was getting late, and I was beginning to think we were never going to catch any fish. "I don't think mine works," I said, bouncing the pole a little.

"It's not going to work if you keep moving it like that," said Jacob.

"I hope we never get shipwrecked on a desert island. We would starve to death," I realized. I had tried fishing with Bella and Charlie before. I sucked then too. I was hoping maybe now that I was older and wiser, I could catch a damn fish. No such luck.

"We could catch something if you would quit scaring away the fish, running your damn mouth. I don't think you've shut up since we've been out here," he argued.

I turned to glare at him. "Hey! Need I remind you that I was fine just being lovers. You were the one who asked me to be your girlfriend, so now you have to put up with this dating shit."

"Satan, I will drown you in this lake," he threatened me.

"I'd like to see you try," I snapped back. I had a hook, and I knew how to use it.

"That's it," he growled, reeling in his line. Uh oh.

I quickly pulled my line in too. I set my rod aside just as he was getting up. "Sit down, genius! You want us to flip?" I grabbed an oar to defend myself.

"You've been nagging me all day," he replied, grabbing the other oar.

We started a sparring match with the oars. The boat was rocking; I just knew we were going to end up in the water. "I can't help myself. You shouldn't make it so fun."

Somehow, by some cruel twist of fate, both of the oars ended up in the water. Jake tried to reach them before they got too far away, but there was no use.

"That's not good, is it?" I asked, sitting back down.

"You think?" he replied sarcastically.

"Think positive, Jake," I smiled. "Now, you get to spend more quality time with me."

"I might drown _myself_," said Jacob.

I sighed and moved over to sit between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair.

"I would put the moves on you, but there are far too many hooks in this boat for us to be getting naked," I confessed. That would be an embarrassing thing to go to the hospital for. I'm sure I've been for worse, but I had never been sober enough to remember it.

"Crazy ass," he mumbled.

I smiled. "How long do you think we'll be out here before Billy rescues us?"

"Knowing him, tomorrow morning," said Jacob. "We may have to swim for it."

"It's a good thing I brought snacks with me," I replied, reaching for my bag. "And to think, you made fun of me for bringing a purse on a fishing trip. You didn't know this baby was a cooler in disguise." I settled myself back between his legs. It was quite comfy.

Our date consisted of us sitting in a boat, eating sandwiches while we talked and teased each other.

"You know, Felix has been coming over a lot, now that he lives next door. He likes to tell stories about you from when you used to visit Bella in Forks," said Jacob.

Felix was a pain in my ass. "Tell him if he keeps talking about me, I'll sic Leah on him. If he thinks what happened to his fat ass horn was harsh, wait until he sees what she can do to a man's crotch."

Jacob laughed and continued, "He said that Bella borrowed Charlie's cruiser, and the two of you went around town, trying to arrest people."

"We got grounded for that," I remembered. "I think we could have gotten away with it if Bella hadn't pulled the Reverend over for drunk driving. He didn't find it as funny as we did. He had pulled out his cell phone to call Charlie, so Bella started preaching about forgiveness while I hummed Amazing Grace. He told us that while we were forgiven, we still had to pay for our sin." It was still pretty damn funny. I bet even the Reverend thinks so. "We had to do volunteer work at the church for the rest of the week."

It was starting to get dark, and neither of us wanted to jump in the lake, so we were still just chilling in the boat.

Jacob grabbed a blanket that was stashed away and covered us, mostly me, with it. "You know, I would try to take you on a normal date, but I get the feeling that no matter where we go, something like this would happen."

"I like this," I told him. "It's interesting. We could have used some candles or something, but with our luck, we'd probably just burn a hole in the boat." Stranger things have happened.

"I'm surprised we haven't fallen out yet," he confessed. We did tend to get rowdy at times.

I lay my head back on his chest, looking up at the sky. "I like it out here. You can see the stars." You couldn't see them from the campus or our neighborhood.

"Careful Nessie," said Jake. "Looking at the stars is a very normal couple thing to do."

"What if we make up obscene constellations?" I suggested.

"Too dangerous," he replied. "We would get all worked up and end up with one of those hooks in our asses, like you were talking about earlier."

I laughed. "I can't help it that you can't control yourself around me."

"Me?" he argued. "You're the one that's always jumping me over the weirdest shit. The last time I think it was Looney Tunes."

"What can I say? I love a man that watches Bugs Bunny," I smiled.

I was starting to get sleepy, which was never a good thing. When I was tired, my mouth worked without running it by my brain first. I would confess to any and everything when I was exhausted enough.

"Jake," I whispered. He hummed in response. "Why the hell do you love me?" See? That question should not have made it past the lips.

"Because you're you," he answered immediately. "You're the strongest, craziest person I know, and whether you like to admit it or not, you're also one of the sweetest."

I gasped a little too loudly. "I am not sweet." I had never been accused of such a thing.

"You can't fool me," said Jake. "You bitch about Bella's hormones, but you're one of the first people to jump up when she calls. You tease your nephews and niece mercilessly, but you call them at least three times a week just to hear about their day. Hell, you even claim to hate Shredder, but you let him cuddle with you when you think nobody's watching."

I sat up a little so I could turn to see him. "How do you know all of that?"

He shrugged. "Because I'm always watching," he admitted quietly. "And I mean that in a non-stalkerish way," he added with a small smile.

A flash of light caught both of our attention. Billy was yelling at us from the dock with a flashlight. "Are you two alright out there?"

I looked at Jake and smiled before answering. "We're fine! Just come get us in the morning!"

We never did catch any damn fish.

* * *

**AN: There's another deleted scene on my homepage. It's kambriarain(dot)blogspot(dot)com. BS:K was reviewed at www(dot)southernfanfictionreview(dot)com. There's a link on my profile if you want to check it out. Reviewers get a preview of chapter 12. Thanks for reading!  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**JPOV**

"I really think it would be better for my teacher if I stayed home from school today." Leonardo was pleading his case from the backseat. "She keeps saying that I'm going to be the death of her. If you make me go, she'll die. Do you really want to kill my teacher?"

"Give it up, kid. You're going to school," said Bella.

I glanced at him through the rear view mirror. He and Ethan were making all sorts of hand gestures and funny facial expressions. Sophie was in between them, looking at them as though they were nuts.

"Mom," said Ethan. The kid was using his "charming" voice. "I think--"

"You're going too," said Bella.

Both boys slumped down in defeat.

Bella was helping me out today, so I volunteered to drive the kids to school. We were going to take her truck, but they wanted to ride in the police cruiser. According to Leo, chicks dig bad boys.

"Bad boys don't have an addiction to Girl Scout cookies," Bella informed him.

"Who says?" Leo countered, pulling a Thin Mint out of his backpack.

"Yeah, Mom. That's stereotyping," said Ethan.

Only the Cullen kids would use words like stereotyping.

I swear I heard Bella grumble "smartass", but it went unnoticed by the munchkins.

When we got to the school, I turned on the flashing lights, so the boys could make their entrance. I made a show of escorting them to the building like they were two little thugs. In reality, the worst trouble they'd ever been in was for sharing the answers to their homework.

Bella was getting Sophie out of the car. It wasn't as easy for her to bend down anymore with that baby bump in the way, so I rushed back to help. She was going over some rules with her daughter, "It's okay to be friends with little boys, so you can stop scaring them."

"But Daddy told me to," she replied cutely.

"I'll deal with your daddy," Bella replied.

"Okay," Sophie smiled and kissed Bella. "Bye Mommy" Then she kissed her belly, "Bye baby." Before going inside, she wrapped her arms around my legs, "Bye Uncle Jake."

"Have a good one, squirt," I smiled, watching as she ran inside.

Bella and I headed to the city after that. My dad insisted that I would not be able to find what I was looking for without his professional help. I was determined to prove him wrong. That's why I brought the sister.

An hour later, I realized the sister was no help at all.

"Bells! Stay focused," I said as she rifled through her bag for a snack.

"Damn it, Jake," she growled. "Stop being so picky and choose a freaking ring already. My feet are killing me, and I'm starving. You've seen those Cullens eat. Stick one of them in your belly and see how well you focus!" She pulled out a small plastic bag. "Cookie?"

"Woman, your hormones are scaring me," I replied, taking one of the damn cookies. Between the kid cookie addicts and the pregnant woman, the Girl Scouts were making a fortune this year.

Bella wrapped her arm behind my back and around my waist, so I draped mine over her shoulders. "This is why I love being pregnant. I can do and say just about anything and then blame it on the hormones."

I groaned. "Have you been messing with me this whole time?"

"I have to entertain myself somehow," she replied. "I'm too fat to do much else." She winced a little as she spoke.

It had to be killing her. Bella was one of those people that liked to do things for herself. For the past couple of months, she hadn't been able to get up off the couch without Edward's help.

Edward, on the other hand, was on cloud nine. Bella wasn't the only one with that prenatal glow. The man didn't go five minutes without smiling. I wondered if I would be the same if--

"Jake, your phone's ringing," said Bella, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I sighed and brought it to my ear. "Leave me alone, old man."

"_Still haven't found it yet?" _

"I'll find it. We haven't been looking long," I replied. I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for, but I would know it when I found it.

"_Just admit you need your old man's help, and I'll take care of it." _

"Shit!" Bella shrieked. "My water just broke!"

The phone almost slipped out of my hands. "Dad, Bella's having the baby! I've gotta go!" I quickly shoved the damn thing in my pocket. "Bells, what the hell do I do? I'll call the cops. No wait, I am the cops. Shit."

"I think now would be a good time to go to the hospital," she replied sarcastically.

"Right," I replied. I was panicked. I picked her up and raced to the cruiser. With my adrenaline rush, it wasn't as difficult as it probably should have been.

We were zooming down the street to the hospital. I was so glad we were in the cruiser. With the sirens blaring, people were quickly moving out of the way. I grabbed the radio, sending a message to Sam to get a hold of Edward. I was too jittery to try and dial his number myself.

"You know," said Bella, breathing heavily. "When I first held Leo in my arms, I forgot all about the pain and agony of childbirth." She cringed and dug her fingers into my dashboard. "It's all coming back to me," she growled, sounding slightly demonic.

I was a little scared to be honest.

When we got the hospital, they started to take Bella back, but she refused to let go of my hand. "You have to stay with me until Edward gets here. Please, Jake. I don't want to be alone."

"You're not, Bells," I promised.

I'm not even going to pretend to know what all they did to get her ready to pop out a kid. All I know is I was going to do everything in my power to never make Isabella Cullen angry. She made a nurse cry… a male nurse! Then she felt bad and offered him a Girl Scout cookie.

"BELLA!" Edward had a loud mouth.

"EDWARD!" Bella's was louder.

The man burst into the room, and I swear all three of us simultaneously let out a sigh of relief. He ran over and wrapped his arms around her, pressing his lips to her forehead.

"It's about time you got here, jackass," she whispered.

He smiled, pushing her hair away from her face. "Nothing could keep me away."

I took the opportunity to slip out, but not before Bella thanked me for staying with her.

On my way to the waiting room, I was met by Nessie, in a cheerleading uniform, on her way to the delivery room. She grabbed my face and kissed me. "I'll explain later, but I need to see Bella before the scary part starts." She took off.

I shook my head and continued down the hall. Half of the family was already there, including my father.

After assuring everyone that Bella was doing fine, Billy pulled me aside. "Did you find it?"

"I got a little distracted," I reminded him.

"One of these days, you'll learn to listen to me," he said, removing a necklace that had been hidden beneath his shirt. "I knew you wouldn't find the perfect ring because I've had it the whole time."

He was right. It was the perfect ring, but there was no way I could take it from him. "Dad," I whispered, my throat feeling a little dry. "You said you would never take this off."

"Your mother would want you to have it," he said firmly. "Now, put it away before that crazy girl gets back out here."

I wrapped my arms around him. "Thank you."

**

* * *

NPOV**

When Billy showed up at my dorm, I dropped everything to get to the hospital, including that poor freshman. Cheerleading is a dangerous sport.

Running into the delivery room, I saw Edward holding my sister. It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I hated to interrupt, but I had to see her before the show started. I snuck in, and I wasn't wearing scrubs, so I'd probably get kicked out soon anyway.

"Sissy?" They both looked over at me.

"Ness," Bella smiled. "I'm so glad you're here. I didn't think you would get to come. What the hell are you wearing?"

I shrugged. "I wanted to cheer you on." I went over to kiss her cheek. "I hope you don't mind if I sit in the waiting room. I want kids someday, but if I see the process, you know I'll change my mind."

"Don't worry," she replied. "The stork will bring them to you."

I laughed, "God, I hope so."

"You might want to leave soon. I have a feeling I'm about to get violent," Bella warned me.

"Good luck, brother," I told Edward.

He chuckled, "Thanks. Keep an eye on my other three, will you?"

I nodded, kissed both of them and made my way back to the waiting room.

Jacob was sitting next to Billy, so I went over and plopped down on his lap. Waiting room chairs were uncomfortable.

"Hey Satan, where's your pom poms?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Shut up," I replied. "I feel like an ass. Bree was making a video for some project, and she was one girl short. Now, she's two girls short. I think I killed one by accident."

Billy shook his head. "I saw it happen. She wasn't dead," he assured me. "She may have a limp from now on though."

"Loch Ness!" the most obnoxious voice ever shouted.

"When we get out of this hospital, I'm going to kill you," I replied.

"Why wait?" Felix asked, laughing like a bonehead.

"There's too much medical equipment around. I don't want to risk anyone saving your ass," I told him.

Leo looked up. "If you do my math homework, I'll let that one pass."

Jasper was sitting between him and Ethan with a book in his lap. "I've got history."

"Boys!" said Rosalie. She looked about ready to pop herself. Emmett was sitting across from her with her feet in his lap.

Ethan and Leo sighed and went to work, doing their own homework.

"Our mom's having a baby. You'd think she'd cut us some slack," Ethan mumbled.

Sophie came over and climbed into the chair with me and Jake while Billy talked with Charlie. How Charlie got there so quickly was beyond me.

"Is the baby here yet?" she asked.

"Not yet," said Jake. "Are you hungry or anything? I can go get you something."

"No thanks," she replied. "I want to see the baby."

I smiled at her. She was so damn cute. "How excited are you to be a big sister?"

"I don't know," Sophie shrugged, wrinkling her cute little nose. "I like being the little one."

"Bella is a big sister," I reminded her. "You'll get to be like her."

This made her smile. "I'm like Mom?"

I nodded. "She'll teach you how to be the coolest big sister ever."

We sat in that waiting room for what seemed like forever. I eventually had to find some scrubs to change into. That damn uniform was drafty.

Edward finally came into the room with a big ass grin on his face. "It's a boy."

"Yes!" Leo and Ethan high-fived each other.

Sophie ran to him and jumped in his arms. "Can I see him?"

He spun her around, causing her to giggle. "Of course you can."

We all gave Edward and Bella a chance to introduce their children to their new baby brother.

When Ethan and Leo came back, they were talking about what he looked like. "He was all bald and wrinkly," said Leo.

"We didn't look like that," said Ethan. "Did we?"

"You looked much worse," Emmett insisted teasingly.

"Hey!" they replied in unison, causing everyone else to laugh. Babies put people in a good mood.

Jacob and Charlie went with me to meet the new little guy. We found Sophie sitting next to Bella on the bed, talking softly to the baby. "I can teach you to be a pirate like Leo taught me, and I can teach you to blow bubbles like Ethan taught me, and--" she continued on and on. When she finished her little speech, Bella let her kiss him carefully on the head. "I love you, Noah," she whispered.

"He loves you too," said Edward, scooping her up.

When Bella had Leo, I didn't hold him until he was much older. Babies used to freak me out. This time, Bella insisted that I take the little one. "Meet Noah Carlisle Cullen."

I melted. He was the sweetest thing ever. "Kinda makes you want to run out and get pregnant," I said. I looked over at Jacob and smiled, "You up for it?"

"You can't say stuff like that in front of Charlie," said Jake.

Charlie sighed, "Unfortunately, between her and Bella, I'm used to it."

* * *

**AN: I know I've been skipping ahead in time a lot quicker than I did in Kidnapper, but again, this was just supposed to be outtakes. I'm just adding some of the more important moments from their lives. I can't tell you how excited I was to reach the one thousand review mark. You guys are awesome. Thanks for reading. Reviewers get a preview of Chapter 13.**

**Oh, and in case you haven't read it yet, you should check out _Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher_ by ericastwilight. There's two chapters up already. If you want a link, you can find it in my favorites.  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**A****N: Don't get your hopes up. There's just a mini lemon in this one. I'm visiting my grandparents, and I just couldn't get myself to write one with them in the next room.**

* * *

**JPOV**

Our group took up two rows of seats in the outdoor auditorium. I made sure to sit as far away from Renee as possible, so that put me next to Charlie. Felix was sitting on the other side of me until he saw Leah. Then he conveniently disappeared. Ever since she crushed his fast ass horn, he made sure to stay out of her way.

I was trying to pay attention to the guy behind the podium. He was being all inspirational and shit, but my mind kept drifting every time I saw the back of her head. It was ridiculous how in love I was with a woman that was such a pain in my ass.

"Hold this for a second," said Edward, passing me little Noah as he rifled through the diaper bag.

I turned the little guy around in my arms, noticing the smiley face sticker on his forehead. "What's with the sticker?"

Edward looked over and shook his head. "Sophie!" he called over his shoulder.

Sophie hopped off Carlisle's lap and hurried over. "Yes Daddy?"

"Have you been decorating your brother again?" he asked her.

"No sir," she answered. "Mommy did it."

"Where is Bella anyway?" Charlie asked, looking around.

The woman in question suddenly appeared, looking irritated and panting. "Can you believe they searched me?"

"What happened?" I asked, letting Noah wrap his hand around my finger.

"As soon as they heard my name, security took my bag," Bella explained. "As if I would have anything in there. Anybody knows, if you're going to pull something at a college graduation, you plan it before the actual ceremony." She sat down in the empty chair between Edward and I.

"Did you put that sticker on Noah's head?" Edward asked her.

She turned around and frowned at Sophie. "Did you rat me out?"

"Yes ma'am," she answered. The girl was the most honest kid on the planet.

"Get over here," Bella growled playfully, lifting her over the seat and into her lap. "We girls have to stick together. Remind me to teach you how to avoid answering questions."

I looked down at the kid in my arms. "There's no hope for you, buddy." Between his parents and their families, he was going to be just as crazy as the rest of them.

"Give me my kid," Edward laughed, taking him back.

They were starting to call out the names of the graduates, and I noticed a couple of people missing. "Bells, I think you lost a kid or two." I didn't see Ethan or Leo anywhere.

She shushed me, looking around to make sure no one else heard what I had said. "The guards searched me," she whispered. "They didn't check my accomplices."

Oh. That made sense.

"Renesmee Carlie Dwyer. Cum Laude."

We all stood to cheer as Nessie proudly walked across the stage. Who knew Satan would graduate with honors? Fireworks shot into the air when she accepted her diploma, causing her to throw her head back with laughter as her professors shook their heads. Now I knew where Ethan and Leo were.

"Yeah Nessie Dwyer!" Two guys a few rows over were standing on their chairs as they yelled for her.

"Who the hell are they?" I asked. They looked like a couple of stoners.

"Sit down, son," Charlie chuckled as the ceremony moved on. He leaned over me to talk to Bella. "Please tell me my grandsons weren't responsible for those fireworks." She didn't say anything. "Isabella."

Bella sighed, "Dad, I had to do something. It's not everyday your little sister graduates from college. Besides, if the boys get caught, I can easily get them out of trouble because I'm their mom, and they're just kids. If I got caught, they'd probably take me away in one of those campus security golf carts."

Luckily, the boys made it back to their seats without getting busted.

The ceremony was ending when the two stoners came over to where we were seated. "So you guys are Nessi's family," one of them said, nodding his head like a damn bobble head. "I'm Vladimir. This is Stefan."

"How do you know Nessie?" Charlie asked. I was curious myself.

"She beat the shit out of us," said Stefan. He rolled up his sleeve, revealing a scar on his arm. "Our asses got high, and it seemed like a cool idea to harass some chicks. We didn't expect one to be carrying a blade."

"You were harassing my girlfriend?" I growled, taking a step towards them.

"Wow," said Vladimir. "She said you were big." He looked at Stefan, "Wasn't lying, was she?"

"Relax man," said Stefan. "We don't do that stuff anymore."

Nessie came running towards us with her diploma in hand. I was surprised when she jumped into my arms first. "I'm free!" she said happily.

"Congratulations." I squeezed her to me. "Now, you're in big trouble."

"I usually am," she replied. "What for?"

I turned her around to see the stoners. "When you're harassed, you have to tell me. How am I supposed to kick their asses if I don't know about it?"

She smiled at them. "Hey Freshmen! How was prison?"

They both shuddered.

I pulled Nessie aside, "I don't like this. Those guys could be dangerous."

"Jake," she replied. "I used to be just like them. I'm not stupid. I never meet them alone, and I always have some way to protect myself. If I can help them, I'm going to."

I knew this is what she wanted to do, and I was willing to support that, but I still couldn't help but worry. "Fine, but next time, I get to kick their ass."

She smiled and agreed.

"Shouldn't we get a say in this?" asked Stefan.

"Yeah, it's _our _asses getting kicked after all," Vladimir added.

Bella was shaking her head. "Ness, do you know _any _normal people?"

Vladimir looked Bella over. "Hey," he said smoothly.

"Touch my wife, and _I'll _kick you ass," said Edward.

"Why does everyone want to kick our ass?" Stefan asked.

Nessie was waving at someone across the auditorium. "Tanya and Lauren came to my graduation." She turned to the stoners, "You boys should go introduce yourselves."

As they walked away, I laughed, "I thought they were lesbians."

She shook her head, "They can't have me, so they decided to settle for men instead."

I sighed and wrapped my arm around her. "You graduated with honors, and you're still full of shit."

* * *

**NPOV**

Graduating was one of my favorite moments in life. If you haven't done it, I highly recommend it. I had been working my ass off, and walking across that stage with the people I loved cheering for me, not to mention the crazy fireworks, made the moment that much better.

Being sober and drug free officially rocked.

We all went out to eat after the ceremony. I was glad that my family finally got to meet Sue. I think she was a little overwhelmed by them in the beginning, but it didn't take long for her to start joking with the rest of them. Felix stuck close to her in hopes that she would protect him from Leah.

I also got to see Seth again. Jake knew about my history with him, but that didn't stop them from getting along. It's impossible not to like Seth, and it's not like he really remembered anything that happened between us anyway.

"Loch Ness," said Felix, causing me to glare at him. He held out a small box. "Happy graduation."

"What is it?" I asked suspiciously.

"Just open it," he replied, pretending to be insulted. I didn't trust that man for a minute, so I was very wary of opening the little box. Eventually, he reached over and did it for me. "It's just business cards for goodness' sake."

I read the first line, "Designated Dwyer?"

He shrugged, "I thought it had a nice ring to it."

"Thank you," I said. "I would hug you or something, but wouldn't that be weird?" Hugs had never been a part of our relationship.

"We can risk it just this once," he sighed.

As soon as his arms were around me, there was a flash. We turned to see Bella with a camera. "What?" she asked. "I had to get a picture. What's the likelihood that this will ever happen again?"

She had a point.

Jake had to leave early for work, so I ended up going to my apartment that Bree and I were renting for the summer.

I was in the middle of a _Seinfeld_ marathon when someone knocked on my door. I reluctantly got off the couch to see who it was. "Oh hell."

Chief Sam was standing there in full uniform, looking at me apologetically, "Renesmee Dwyer…"

"Yeah, yeah," I replied. I had been read my rights enough to know the drill. "Just let me put on some shoes." What the hell did I do this time?

Sam was quiet on the ride to the station. He never did read me my rights, but I wasn't going to bring that up. That could work in my favor later. When we pulled into the parking lot, he radioed in. "The others are on patrol. You've got two hours."

I had no idea what he was talking about. I just went with the flow as he helped me out of the car and led me inside. "Jake?"

Sam uncuffed me and left.

The station was lit up with candles and Jacob was waiting for me in the holding cell. I looked around, "I've been arrested at least a dozen times, but this is definitely a first."

He smiled, "I wanted to do something nice for you, and since you _insist _this is where we had our first date, I thought we could have dinner here."

"This _was _where we had our first date," I clarified. "You picked me up from work and bought me pizza. That counts." I wrapped my around his waist. He was too damn tall, so my head landed on his chest. "This was really sweet of you. It takes one hell of a guy to make a jail cell romantic."

He took my hand, "Come on. We've got to do this right."

I let him position me in front of that big ass camera. I couldn't help but laugh. "Mug shots?"

We posed for a couple together. I kept cracking up, so we kept having to do them over. Jake insisted that we needed to look like bad asses.

"I know what the problem is," he said. "We don't have our identification numbers." He rushed over to the desk to find them.

"Seriously, Jake, what kind of cop forgets the id numbers?" I teased.

He rolled his eyes and handed me my little sign. "What kind of criminal smiles for her mug shots?"

"An experienced one," I replied.

While we ate dinner, Jake had the pictures printing. I'm not going to lie, I was going to take one home, put it in some cheesy frame, and stick it on my nightstand.

"I think we need a little mood music," I announced.

"Nessie," he growled, knowing what was coming.

"Jake," I smiled. "It's _our _song. Sing it with me."

"I swear, I will tackle if you," he replied.

I couldn't help myself. _"The warden threw a party at the county jail."_ I smiled and jumped out of his way. _"The prison band was there and they begin to wail." _It was hard to sing when you were laughing and running from someone. It was even harder to get away from someone when you were in such a tiny space. I got caught before I even made it to the chorus.

"I warned you," said Jacob, taking out his nightstick.

"Jacob," I was still laughing. I couldn't seem to stop.

"I think I'm finally going to let you meet Officer Goodbody," he replied.

This was officially the best date ever. It was my wet dream come true.

My boyshorts hit the floor and my back hit the bars. "This isn't really sanitary," I commented.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked.

"Hell no," I answered.

Jake turned me around, so I could hold onto the bars. I could feel his lips brush my ear as he spoke. "Spread 'em." He used his foot to move my legs apart. "I've wanted to do this to you ever since that first night."

I started to ask him why in the world he didn't, but when he slammed into me, I lost my train of thought, and I'm too much of a lady to describe what we did with that nightstick.

"I never did get the chance to tell you why I love you," I told Jake later after I straightened out my clothes.

"I didn't think you wanted to," he replied, and I understood why. I wasn't usually one to talk about my feelings and shit, but I wanted to do it for him.

"We first met because you were protecting my sister and nephew, even though you barely knew them. You say your dad gets on your nerves, but you never leave him without hugging him first." This next one was hard for me to admit. "When we're together, I know that I won't screw up, because I don't want miss a single moment with you."

He took my face in his hands and leaned down, resting his forehead against mine. After everything we had done that night, I still hadn't felt as close to him as I did in that moment. He brushed his lips across mine. "I love you too."

I wasn't trying to ruin the moment, but it had to be said. "I'll probably always be a pain in the ass."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he chuckled and kissed me again.

Our time was almost over. "I want to see our mug shots!" I practically bounced over to the printer to get the pictures. At first, I studied our faces. In the first few, we both were making ridiculous expressions. However, towards the end, I noticed that I was the only one looking at the camera. Jake was looking at me.

The candles were too dim, so I turned on the desk lamp to get a better look. My heart somehow jumped into my throat when I saw it. We weren't holding prisoner identification numbers. I dropped the pictures and found our signs that we had carelessly dropped aside earlier. Instead of numbers, there were letters that were carefully arranged by Jake.

_Marry Me Nessie_

When I turned around, Jake was standing there with the ring in his hand. All I could hear was my own breathing as he walked towards me.

"Nessie," he started, but paused. I was going to burst if he didn't hurry and ask the question. "I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life fighting with you." He finally got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?" I jumped on him. I couldn't help it. That's what I did when I was excited. He somehow managed to keep us from falling to the floor. "Is that a yes? I never know what to expect with you." He sounded just a little nervous.

I laughed, "Yes, I'll marry you." He lovingly slid the ring on my finger, kissing my hand and then my lips. "I can't believe you proposed to me at the police station."

He smiled, "Well, it's kind of our thing."

"You know this means you have to stop calling me Satan," I replied.

He wrapped his arms tightly around me and lowered his mouth to my ear. "Never going to happen."

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**AN: I don't know if anyone has ever proposed via mug shot before, but it seemed fitting for these two. I'm not a fan of writing weddings. Actually, I usually sneak in an iPod when I even go to weddings, so I'm not planning to write theirs. I will slip in a few of the important details about it in the next chapter. Review and get a preview. Thanks for reading!  
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	14. Chapter 14

**AN: The outtakes, that somehow turned into a story, are finished, but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging, so here is Jake with some flashbacks to let you know how he and Nessie ended up. Some people don't like reading -Flashback- or -End Flashback-, so I'm going to use italics. Most of this chapter is flashbacks, so I hope I don't kill anybody's eyes.  


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**JPOV**

It was times like these that I always looked back on our life together. We had only been married a few years, and they were easily the best and most interesting years of my life. We never did things the normal way, not even from the beginning.

-

_"We better get back up there before they notice us missing," I told her as I buttoned my pants._

_"I can't find my other shoe," said Nessie._

_This wasn't how I planned our first time as a married couple. I thought she would want it to be romantic, in a bed with candles and soft music. She insisted that there would be plenty of time for that after a post-wedding quickie and joining the mile high club on the way to our honeymoon destination._

_Our wedding had been interesting. Nessie had everything she wanted, from Emmett as the officiator to Bella walking her down the aisle. As a gift to me, the ceremony was performed on the same beach where my parents were married._

_"Got it," I said, picking up the missing shoe. She lifted her dress as I bent down in front of her. I slipped it back on and kissed the top of her dainty foot before standing up. To the outside world, we were still the same crazy, hot-tempered couple that fought constantly and enjoyed irritating each other to no end. If they could see the way we treated each other in private, they probably wouldn't believe it was us._

_"Thanks husband," she replied with a sneaky grin. She always had mischief dancing in her eyes._

_There was a loud knock on the storeroom door. "I swear, you two better not be doing what I think you're doing," Leah shouted._

_"Yeah, get your asses out here, so we can cut into that cake," Felix added._

_"Get the hell away from me," said Leah, talking to Felix._

_I grabbed a bottle of wine and opened the door, "Relax. We just came down to find this," I lied._

_Felix nodded, but Leah didn't buy it. "Nessie doesn't drink."_

_"It's all for me," I replied._

_"Yeah, I need to get him drunk, so I can take advantage of him on the plane," Nessie explained._

_"You have sex hair," said Leah._

_"Damn," Nessie and I huffed. We had such a great excuse too._

_"Way to go, Loch Ness," Felix cheered, so I had to smack him. He chuckled, "Alright, I'm going."_

_Leah helped Nessie fix her hair before we went back to join the others. My father just looked at us, shaking his head. "You defiled my restaurant."_

_Shit. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied._

_The old man just laughed. "You two are lucky I love ya."_

_"Love you too, Dad," Nessie smiled, heading towards the cake. I sighed, as Dad winked at me, and followed her._

-

At the time, I considered that the best day of my life. Nothing ever topped it, but there have been a few to tie.

-

_We were sitting on the couch, both staring straight ahead at the wall. When the little timer went off, Nessie's grip on my hand tightened almost painfully._

_"What do we do?" she asked, still looking at the wall._

_"I guess we look," I answered._

_She shook her head. "I can't do it. Let's just go out for dinner. You want Chinese?"_

_"Ness," I made her look at me. "We have to look."_

_"No we don't," she replied. "The truth will come out sooner or later. There's some things you just can't hide."_

_I had never seen Nessie so scared. The worst part was I didn't know what she was hoping for. We had talked about this before, but we weren't planning for it yet. I didn't think it was a good time to remind her that this was all her fault. She was the one who seduced me. We were being good neighbors, feeding Felix's bird while he was in Vegas. He lived next to us in Bella's old house. We were only supposed to be there for ten minutes tops, so why would I have protection? It was definitely the most uniquely difficult sex we'd ever had._

_"You leave me no choice," I said, standing up. "Either you look, or I'm going to eat all of your poptarts."_

_"You wouldn't," said Nessie, staring me down. I shrugged and headed for the kitchen. "Alright, alright! I'll look." She went into bathroom, grumbling the whole way, "I could just buy my own damn poptarts."_

_I don't think I breathed until she came back out, her eyes glistening. I didn't know what that meant. Was she sad? Was she happy? "What is it?" I asked nervously._

_"I'm pregnant," she whispered._

_I froze. I was elated. I wanted to do a back flip or some shit, but I had to see how she felt about it first. "Nessie?"_

_A huge smile spread across her face as she dropped the stick and ran to me, jumping into my arms. I laughed and spun her around. We were going to have a baby. I was going to be a dad. "I love you," I told her, kissing her over and over._

_Everything was fine until I set her down. "Shit," she groaned and covered her face._

_"What? What's wrong?" I was ready to rush her to the hospital already._

_She just shook her head. Nothing was wrong. She had just remembered an interesting detail._

_"Our baby was conceived in a ball pit."_

-

Someone had once told me that we shouldn't worry, that when we had our little bundle of joy, we would know exactly what to do. They said it was instinct. They lied.

-

_I stared her down. Originally, I thought she was the cutest, sweetest thing ever created. She appeared that way still, lying in her crib, chewing on her little foot. However, I knew the truth. This child was her mother's daughter. She was the devil._

_"Sarah, listen to Daddy," I pleaded, holding her soft pink shirt in my hand. "I can't let you leave the house in just your diaper. You're going to get me in trouble."_

_She just stared back at me, still happily chewing on her foot._

_As soon as I made a move to dress her, she started wailing._

_It was official. My daughter was destined to join a nudist colony._

_Nessie came in moments later, snatched the shirt out of my hand, and slipped it over Sarah's head._

_"How did you do that?" I had been trying for what seemed like hours._

_"You were thinking about it too much," she explained. "She can smell fear."_

_I huffed and lifted the little one out of her crib. "You just made Daddy look like an ass."_

_She made a gurgling noise, and Nessie kissed her. "That's my girl."_

-

We may not have been the best parents, but no one could deny how much we loved that little troublemaker. She was the perfect addition to our family, full of sweet mischief before she could even talk. However, she did have a knack for waking up and crying at the most inopportune moments. In order to fuck my wife without interruption, I had to take drastic measures.

-

_Nessie looked surprised when I pulled her out of her office during her lunch break. "Jake, where's Sarah?"_

_"She's fine," I replied, leading her outside. "Get in the car."_

_"What--" she started, but I yanked open the door._

_"Get. In. The. Car," I said again. We didn't have time to waste._

_She huffed and got in, "I swear if you're arresting me, I'll kick your ass. I haven't done anything wrong in a week."_

_I ignored her and sped out of the parking lot. I was suffering from a hard-on that refused to go away until I was buried in the irritating woman's body._

_Nessie must have noticed my death grip on the steering wheel. "Jacob, are you okay?"_

_"I will be," I answered, pulling the car out of sight._

_That's when Nessie realized what was going on. "Why didn't you say so?" She got out of the car without me even having to ask._

_I grabbed her, attacking her mouth as I unbuttoned her pants. With those out of the way, I knelt down in front of her. I knew once I got inside her, I wouldn't last long. I wasn't selfish, so I was taking care of her first._

_I was in a hurry, but I didn't rush. I savored every lick, every taste of her. Her legs almost gave out, so I had to sit her on the hood of the cruiser. She kept one hand in my hair as the other gripped the side of the car._

_Finally, when she was a writhing, quivering mess, I positioned myself between her legs and slid into her with a groan. "I've missed you."_

-

I had to stop thinking about that. It wouldn't do for me to get a hard-on today of all days.

It was Bailey's first day of Kindergarten. Their cousin Mikey swore she would look out for her and Sarah, so I knew we would be getting calls from Principal Cullen sooner or later.

I couldn't believe our youngest was already five. It seemed like just yesterday we trying to figure out what we would name her.

-

_"I say we name her Twenty-Six," Nessie suggested. She was relaxed on the couch with her feet propped up and a bowl of popcorn sitting on her round belly. "That's how many pounds I've gained thanks to the little kickboxer."_

_"If we're going that route, I say we name her Seven," I added. "That's how many times you've made me sleep in the guest room."_

_"Wanna make it eight, smart ass?" she asked, throwing a handful of popcorn my way._

_I plopped down at the other end of the sofa, pulling her feet onto my lap. Massaging her feet helped with the mood swings._

_Sarah picked up a fallen piece of popcorn and threw it my way. "Hey, missy," I laughed, reaching over to grab her. She giggled as I tickled her sides. "You threw popcorn at Daddy."_

_She held her hands up and shrugged her shoulders. "Oops."_

_"Sarah, what's the baby's name?" Nessie asked her. We were getting desperate._

_"Sissy," she replied._

_Bella came into the room with the dart board. "It worked for my wedding. It can work for your kid."_

_We put our favorite names on post-its and stuck them in ransom places on the board. I got the honors of throwing the dart._

_Nessie claimed it would be too dangerous for her to do it. "If I have a mood swing, you'll get a dart in the behind."_

_Bella grabbed the post-it that was chosen. "How sweet. You're naming her Isabella."_

_"Liar," said Nessie._

_Bella huffed, "Fine, you're naming her Bailey."_

-

Now, I stood by the car with my arm around Nessie, watching as our two little girls walked towards the building. Sarah had a firm grip on Bailey's hand, making sure she didn't get lost on her first day.

"They're going to be just like me and Bella," said Nessie.

God, help us. "I'm sure we'll be bailing them out in no time." Like mother, like daughter.

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**AN: That's the end! Thank you guys so much for all of the reviews and messages. Now, I'm dying to start something new. I'm warning you now that whatever I write, it won't have a lot of lemons. I really do hate writing those things. They are much more fun to read. However, my little sister is a whore, and she wants to collaborate a story with me, so you never know. (Sorry, Mads. I meant that in a good way.) I love you guys. Thanks for reading!**


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